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I havent posted for a long while, but right now I am so confused and a bit at my wits end. This whole situation I am in is driving me mad one person saying one thing and another saying quite the opposite. I have really had such a shit year one way and another and it shows signs of getting worse not better.

Ok , the scenario is that earlier on in the year I had to have my wisdom teeth out and significant damage was caused. I am 45 years of age and the operation was very bad. I have endured so much pain and plus other things were going on too which I wasnt happy about and I so I had a metting with the surgeon and gave him what for, which admittedly felt so good. I did get some compensation, which was good. My jaw was still giving me problems and my masage therapist suggested that I see her colleague who is an applied kniesiolgogist as she may be able to help and re-align my jaw and give me some relief. She told me that a lot of my emotional problems were caused by my jaw being off line and over the last few months has been working on my jaw. I have been taking all sorts of pills and potions. Anyway the upshot is that she is telling me that my two antidepressants are not working by the stuff she does.....which is very strange to say the least. How she can say that stuff i dont know!!!! She tells me that my jaw cant get any better until my emotional stuff is fixed and she said that my body is telling her that it dosent want the medication and she told me to stop taking it immediately and I wouldnt notice the difference. I did what she said...my sleep went very haywire...I take ages to get to sleep and then keep waking up and I feel totally shit. By Sunday my hubby made me start taking the meds again. I have spoken to her and she wants me to still not keep taking the medication and go and see her and I told her I dont feel safe driving into town to see her as I am so exhausted and dont feel safe driving and I havent got anyone else to get me into town. Do I want to go and see her anyway????I am due to go and see a mental helath support worker tommorrow and if I did see my GP, all he is going to say is that you cant just come off the meds like that and all that medical stuff and knowing him he will say I need to see a pdoc and he will cal my hubby etc and will suggest hospital(like normal). He seems obssesed with it.

I have seen this support worker a few times and I have been reffered to some new service, but she tells me that I dont meet the criteria???? If they knew what I was thinking it would be different but I am not going to tell them. I havent been coping too well with stuff and doing some BPD things as you do when things are driving you mad and you cant cope. She tells me that BPD improves with age(HAHAHAHA) Does anyone know what They are talking about??????? I just seem surrounded by idiots who seem to understand nothing. I would love to ring up my ex therapist in the UK. He seemed to be the only one who had any idea at all and I would talk to him but I havent seen him or spoken to him for 10 years.A really big thing for me is that I dont want to see any therapist or pdoc after what happened to me a few years ago. I just cant do it and even the mere thought of that is just too much and I cant cope with that. Just too much PTSD. Its a bit of a joke really, the very people who are supposed to help you just cause more PTSD and make things worse. A few months ago I was in the public hospital with stomach problems and something happened and I eneded up ripping out my drip and leaving the hospital wearing not much and this was in the middle of the winter(I live in NZ) and I walked until I couldnt walk anymore. I did get found, but I dont remember much about it all. I remember this stupid nurse trying to ask me stuff when I was upset and she called psych services to see me the following day.I just took one look at the person they sent and massive PTSD just took over and I couldnt talk to her at all and she got really annoyed and shouted at me and that really just capped it all off. I guess they just dont do their homework, More reinforcement for my PTSDand as to why I cant deal with that.

There is no resolution to this situation its all just totally impossible. Trust issues too big now.I know that things aren not good and its all my fault I should just put myself together and get on with it and stop being so pathetic, but I cant.

Cant write anymore for now

Julia