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I sat with my 8 yr old daughter tonight as she tried to fall asleep and we were just talking and somehow we ended on the subject of step-mothers. She said she wanted one and I told her that the only way she could have a step-mom was if me ans her dad divorced and then he re-married. I continued by saying"You wouldn't want me and daddy to break up would you?". To my surprise she said sometimes. She started to cry and said she had a secret to tell me but she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would be mad at her. After several minutes of convincing her she could tell me whatever and I would not get angry she told me that she often hears me and my husband argue. We fight REALLY bad and loud. Cursing and disrespect is common during these eposides. My daughter says she doesn't want us to be together when we are like that. It got me thinking about the relationship model I set for her. I explained to her that our relationship is not normal and she should never allow a boyfriend or husband treat her the way her dad treats me and that she shouldn't act the way I have done in the past. I felt like such a hypocrite talking to her. I try to teach her to have high standards, self-esteem, and love for herself, but she does not see me emphasizing those things for myself. There are reasons for the fights; when we separated two and half years ago I went crazy. I was off my meds, drinking like crazy, and partying it up at the club whenever I could. My husband came in one day to find me half dressed with my door open. I don't remember much after arriving to my apartment that evening. A look around my place would lead any logical person to believe that someone had sex, which is what I belive happened. Although I believe this I cannot recall any details. We reunited about two years ago, and we continue to argue about what happened that night and other things that occurred or didn't occur during our seperation. My daughter hears all the verbal abuse and she said that she has heard him hit me. I've hurt my kids so much over the years (I have a 12 yr old son too). There my SI, being in and out of the hospital, depression, and so much more. I can't help bu to wonder have I ruined them?