Newly Diagnosed... How do I tell my husband? Help? - Borderline and Bipolar - BPD and BP - Borderline Personality Today Forum - Message Board - Yuku

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Newly Diagnosed... How do I tell my husband? Help?

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cassiel	Newly Diagnosed... How do I tell my husband? Help?	Lead	[-]
Posts: 1 (10/31/09 00:35:34) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Tags : None I've always been tortured and had problems. Some which were obvious to my husband, others which I've been able to hide from him... Recently, my symptoms have completely taken over my life to the point that I had no alternative but to seek help. I hid my appointments from my husband, I just couldn't admit to him, like always, how bad everything is. My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder/Social Anxiety Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder type I. I had previously guessed about the anxiety disorders, it's pretty hard to miss those symptoms and have family members who are bipolar, so that wasn't a shock either... But I always wondered if there was something else... or if how I felt, everything I felt was really just how everyone was. When the psychiatrist told me he strongly feels I have BPD and started explaining all the symptoms... It was like a light went on. He was talking about me. For the first time in my life I feel like maybe there is hope. Maybe I don't have to feel this way forever... But I'm terrified. How do I tell my husband? I'm so scared... Do I just keep hiding it from him forever? But... I can hide a few doctor visits, but regular ones? Over the next months, maybe years? I don't think I can... I'm so scared, I just don't know what to do. If I want to continue treatment, I have to tell him... But I'm so terrified of telling him. Anyone out there who has any advice it would be so very appreciated.
rocksrock		#1	[-]
Posts: 8 (10/31/09 01:05:57) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I found it so hard to admit to my family that i had metal health problems. But because they love me they have been here for me and supportive. Don't get me we do have our off days but they have gained understanding both through me and research. My mum was getting out books watching doco's and understanding my disorder so she could help. I'm sure you husband would be upset that if you didn't tell him and he found out another way. If he loves you (which is what I believe marriage is all about) he will help you out. He my find it hard sometimes but you have to have supports especially family. Family is all i have now. And although i am lonely because of the lack of friends and no longer having my partner I wouldn't take them for anything. I hope all works out well. Take care
scrip50		#2	[-]
Posts: 532 (10/31/09 07:06:26) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I can't advise either way. I'm sorry you are afraid to tell him what's wrong. Would you tell if it was epilepsy, diabetes, breast cancer?? Would he love and support you then? Do you need a little time to digest your own diagnosis. Are there some parts of it you are more familiar and comfortable with and can you raise these with him first. Or is it a diagnosis of mental illness, any mental illness that's going to be a problem. What are the best options for you to be safe and healthy. Take good care of yourself. Most of my family were just so relieved that there was a dx and a treatment for what was happening to me and the majority of my good friends stayed on board. Good luck.
cassiel		#3	[-]
Posts: 2 (10/31/09 19:52:18) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I just have been so good at always hiding there is anything really that deeply wrong... I mean, there are things that I haven't been able to hide from him. Crazy $&%^ mood swings, cutting (I don't know if I'm allowed to say that here if I am not I am so so sorry)... but the first is just something that I guess he thinks is me PMSing or something and the latter.... he has always just tried to pretend not to see. Or maybe I am as good at hiding it as I wish I were and he hasn't... I don't know. He sees the pretend me. The me smiling and trying to make everyone believe that everything is great... He doesn't see the me hiding in the closest crying when I'm supposed to be getting ready to go out, because I'm so terrified of the idea of having to. But my husband is a definite... "if I can't see what's wrong, then there really isn't anything wrong" kind of person. He isn't a bad person and he does love me... if he didn't he wouldn't have stuck around all this time through everything that we, and my mental illnesses, have taken us through. He wouldn't put up with me loving him to death one second and screaming bloody murder the next... I know that somewhere deep in my head... at least I want to believe that I do. But I think if I try to sit down and explain how things really are. How I really feel. He just.... won't get it. And worse than not getting it, it will be something that is superficial to him, like.... it can't really be that bad. You're just stressed right now, that's probably all it is. The only other time I have ever tried to get help was from my primary doctor who I had been seeing for many, many years and finally was able to trust enough to tell her some of how I felt. She thought I was depressed and gave me antidepressants (which didn't help) and sent me to a therapist (who didn't help)... but I tried. And I told him then... well, half told him, and he was.... I can't put my finger on the right word really for how he acted. But it was incredulous... like 'why the hell are you going to see a psychologist??? Those people are quacks, they don't really do anything.' I guess that is it. I'm terrified that I'll try to show him the real me that's been hiding in the shadows all this time and he'll not believe it. Or think that I'm being overly dramatic. Or... he'll believe I think I feel so bad, but really that's just how everyone feels. And that even if he does believe there is something wrong with how I feel.... that there isn't anything to do about it, and going to see a psychiatrist and psychologist is a waste of time and money and that just makes me even more crazy... to think that someone could help fix me. Just the thought of telling him and him laughing it off... or worse, leaving over it... is paralyzing. I don't know what to do......... I don't want to live like this forever.... but I'm scared of what might happen if I don't.
Syndica		#4	[-]
Posts: 142 (11/05/09 11:33:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	script is right first you need to deal with ur illness first, then learn about them. when you have knowedge of what u have u will feel better. Once that is done u can tell him on ur own time, don't let things rush u. you have too stronger then u can be. I know how u feel u like ur in complete termoil where u can't escape. but the thing is u can escape from it. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 and telling my family was hard for me, I told my parents and they where shocked but they understood, my mom look it up and we both sat down together and learned what it was. They allready know that i have BPD borderline personality disorer, with manic deluisions with the bipolar. blessed be
gklimt		#5	[-]
Posts: 6 (11/05/09 15:10:36) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I don't know if either you or your husband are readers, but there are two books that I'd like to recommend. One is for you, and one is for your husband. For you, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". It's been around a while and the information is a little dated, but it may make you curious enough to find more information for yourself. For your husband, "Stop Walking On Eggshells". It's a book about borderlines, but not written for borderlines. It was written specifically for those in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with a borderline. Something else I'd like for you to keep in mind is, in the mental health world, you have been given two "types" of diagnoses. You mentioned both Axis I and Axis II diagnoses. OK, so what's the freakin' difference? (Please don't take what I'm about to say as gospel. I HIGHLY recommend you talk to your doctor about this!) For the sake of simplicity, Axis I diagnoses are those conditions for which you can meds. For SOME, meds MAY BE enough and therapy MAY not be needed. For Axis II diagnoses, currently there are no meds to treat them IN THE SAME WAY that Axis I diagnoses are treated and therapy is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. I DIDN'T SAY that you couldn't control some of the symptoms of Axis II diagnoses with meds, but BPD is a personality disorder (it is behavioral). Bipolar disorder has to do with a chemical imbalance (it is physical). To use an all-to-familiar metaphor, they are like apples and oranges and their modalities of treatment are completely different. OK, now for the most important thing I'd like to say to you - YOU ARE NOT DEFECTIVE!!! Diagnoses are merely labels and words that help our mental health professionals to know how to help us. They are not something that we need to feel has been branded into our forehead. Your diagnosis is between you and your doctor. Trust me, if I were to see you walking down my street, I would have no clue who you were or what your diagnosis is, and if I were to say "Hi" to you, you would have no clue that I was the guy who wrote this post to you. As for your situation with your husband, all I can say is if you decide to put the cards on the table, but you're really nervous and tense, he'll know and react. Why? Because he's as human as you are. When you decide to come forward and tell him, do it with confidence and trust. Hey, he married you didn't he? Give him some credit! Don't go to the table with resources for him in hand, but have them ready in case he wants them. Have a plan. Everything will be OK. Most of all, I want to leave you with YOU ARE NOT DEFECTIVE!!!
gklimt		#6	[-]
Posts: 7 (11/05/09 18:16:37) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I also want to add this not only for you, but for anyone who reads it... something is true to the exact degree to which BELIEVE it is true.
scrip50		#7	[-]
Posts: 535 (11/06/09 07:12:21) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Just a little update - newer books "sometimes I act crazy" and " get me out of here" have a more positive and progressive view. The position of BPD on the Axis II list is actively being challenged as modern research shows it to be related to changes in brain structure and should be viewed as an Axis I diagnosis. BPD can and is being treated by a combination of therapy and medication. Recovery for long periods and even cure are being experienced. Diagnosis at an early stage and active participation in treatment designed for BPD is showing good results for many. It is not only behavioral, it is brain chemistry and organic differences in size and function of the areas (limbic system) involved in levels of emotion and ability to control response. It is often found with other psych dx and is experienced differently in intensity from person to person. Lots of people with BPD are getting on with their lives, those that are tend to have embraced lifestyle changes and treatment options. However you decide to go about what is right between you and your partner, your need for treatment and support is likely to be long term (most need over two years of therapy and meds). It won't be a few weeks of counselling and everything is hunky dory. It is a serious dx. I hope you are able to make the best decisions for you and your health.

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