I tried to become a part of this community during a very crazy time in my life a few months ago but I guess I wasn't ready. I got some nice replies but
just couldn't deal with it at the time so I'm trying it again. I have a very hard time with anyone being nice to me Unfortunately it's still a
very crazy time. I'm a 45-yr old, American living in the UK with my husband. Although I've lived here for three years, I don't know a single
person so I'm very isolated. I have bipolar 2, undiagnosed bpd, quite a few suicide attempts in the past (the most recent being earlier this month), and
ECT a few years ago. Since I live in the UK I'm finding it very hard to get mental healthcare. I was seeing a psychiatrist every three months for a meds
check until my overdose this month and now they've got me seeing him once a month but it's still just for meds. Two weeks before the overdose I saw
him and begged him for more help like therapy or any kind of counseling because I was feeling so unstable but he told me the best he could do was put me on the
waiting list which was six months long. I'm still on the waiting list.
My marriage is very rocky which I know is due in large part to my bpd but I don't accept full responsibility. My husband is a compulsive liar and has had two affairs (one which has just ended). He is currently suffering from pretty severe depression and anxiety. He admits that he is emotionally unavailable to me and can be quite mentally cruel sometimes. Once or twice a month he'll tell me that he doesn't have any feelings for me and wants me to leave and then the next day he'll beg me to stay. This has been going on for months and has turned me into a nervous wreck. My stomach is always in knots, I smoke like there's no tomorrow, I can't remember the last time I had some proper sleep and when I do sleep it's filled with nightmares. My family all want me to leave him and move back to America but I love him and don't want to be alone. We have an appointment for marriage counseling on Tuesday which is further than we've gotten before and he's promised to work on his lying. Another reason I don't want to move back to America is because I won't have any healthcare or medication. If I was my sister or best friend, I would insist that she leave him but I remember the good person he used to be and believe that he's still in there somewhere. I know that I'm really hard to live with and that's probably why he doesn't care as much anymore. He says it's that and the fact that the depression has made him feel dead inside. I know that his depression and anxiery are my fault because of my bpd behaviour for all of these years and recently I've been trying really hard to control it but this last affair and the lying that went with it were too much. I don't mean to pick fights with him but sometimes I can't control it and I can't stay quiet. When I find out he's lied to me I really go ballistic.
Something happened tonight that freaked me out because I think my bpd came out in public. I'm normally a very quiet person in public who likes to blend into the woodwork and just pray that I'm not noticed. I was riding the bus home from town and the very last stop was mine. As I was getting off, about 15-20 black teenage boys all started crowding on without paying before I could get off so they were blocking the door. There were two inspectors on the bus who were yelling to let the passengers off. It made me really angry because they just kept crowding and blocking so I finally screamed "For fuck's sake, didn't your parents teach you any manners?!?!" At this point one of the boys yelled "Give me your ticket!" which was in my hand and snatched it and that made my blood boil instantly so I charged into the middle of them to get my ticket back. When I look back I have no idea why I did it because it was a one-way ticket and was no good to him but I was in a rage. I grabbed his arm and he looked quite shocked and grabbed me pretty hard and shoved me. There was a hand on my shoulder and it was a lady about my age who said in my ear to get off the bus because it wasn't worth it and that kind of snapped me out of it. I don't know what I would have done next if she hadn't been there? I wanted to cry when I got off the bus but I didn't let myself. I was so stupid to do that but it's like I wasn't there and that scares me. I'm worried that I might not be able to control myself in the future. They weren't local boys because I live in a village and we don't have gangs. I'm just thankful they didn't go for my handbag because I probably would have gotten myself stabbed to protect that because I keep my passport in there which is the most important thing I own here and I was willing to fight to protect a used bus ticket.
I don't know what the point of this message is? I guess to say that I'm back and still crazy.
Thanks for listening.......kim
My marriage is very rocky which I know is due in large part to my bpd but I don't accept full responsibility. My husband is a compulsive liar and has had two affairs (one which has just ended). He is currently suffering from pretty severe depression and anxiety. He admits that he is emotionally unavailable to me and can be quite mentally cruel sometimes. Once or twice a month he'll tell me that he doesn't have any feelings for me and wants me to leave and then the next day he'll beg me to stay. This has been going on for months and has turned me into a nervous wreck. My stomach is always in knots, I smoke like there's no tomorrow, I can't remember the last time I had some proper sleep and when I do sleep it's filled with nightmares. My family all want me to leave him and move back to America but I love him and don't want to be alone. We have an appointment for marriage counseling on Tuesday which is further than we've gotten before and he's promised to work on his lying. Another reason I don't want to move back to America is because I won't have any healthcare or medication. If I was my sister or best friend, I would insist that she leave him but I remember the good person he used to be and believe that he's still in there somewhere. I know that I'm really hard to live with and that's probably why he doesn't care as much anymore. He says it's that and the fact that the depression has made him feel dead inside. I know that his depression and anxiery are my fault because of my bpd behaviour for all of these years and recently I've been trying really hard to control it but this last affair and the lying that went with it were too much. I don't mean to pick fights with him but sometimes I can't control it and I can't stay quiet. When I find out he's lied to me I really go ballistic.
Something happened tonight that freaked me out because I think my bpd came out in public. I'm normally a very quiet person in public who likes to blend into the woodwork and just pray that I'm not noticed. I was riding the bus home from town and the very last stop was mine. As I was getting off, about 15-20 black teenage boys all started crowding on without paying before I could get off so they were blocking the door. There were two inspectors on the bus who were yelling to let the passengers off. It made me really angry because they just kept crowding and blocking so I finally screamed "For fuck's sake, didn't your parents teach you any manners?!?!" At this point one of the boys yelled "Give me your ticket!" which was in my hand and snatched it and that made my blood boil instantly so I charged into the middle of them to get my ticket back. When I look back I have no idea why I did it because it was a one-way ticket and was no good to him but I was in a rage. I grabbed his arm and he looked quite shocked and grabbed me pretty hard and shoved me. There was a hand on my shoulder and it was a lady about my age who said in my ear to get off the bus because it wasn't worth it and that kind of snapped me out of it. I don't know what I would have done next if she hadn't been there? I wanted to cry when I got off the bus but I didn't let myself. I was so stupid to do that but it's like I wasn't there and that scares me. I'm worried that I might not be able to control myself in the future. They weren't local boys because I live in a village and we don't have gangs. I'm just thankful they didn't go for my handbag because I probably would have gotten myself stabbed to protect that because I keep my passport in there which is the most important thing I own here and I was willing to fight to protect a used bus ticket.
I don't know what the point of this message is? I guess to say that I'm back and still crazy.
Thanks for listening.......kim
