hey al, well, went on holiday to try to get away from everything, and well i was away fro like three days in wales in the uk, and the 2nd night, my mood
slipped a little too mfar past what i could control. i ended up walking in the freezing rain, with just a t-shirt on trying to catch hypothermia by covering my
arms and hands in cold water, and having the wind cool my body temperature until i went numb, and then wen i got bk to the tent, i had the intent, u know the
bad intent, and i remembered from the last time i went to cut i put a blade in my guitar case which i had with me, so i took it out and started slashing my
arms, the blood was running down my arm, but the cuts themselves werent actually that bad, i feel really shit that i upset my gf who saw my arms when we were
together, not with lack of trying to hide them. I feel lost, like i know now, i dont want to die, i just want to not be feelingthis shit about myself all the
time, i am ashamed of myself, it pains me to have people look at me sometimes, other times im stronger and i can pretend, but im so destructive, its when i
feel ok, when im killing or destroying myself , or hacking at myself, where i get what i deserve, this just keeps going, my gf asked me "do you ever think
you'll stop", and i have to be honest, i hope there will be a time where i am better because to be honest my arms cant take much more, there so
scarred as it is, they look a mess.and whenever i cut anywhere else, its just not as satisfying. I dont want ot start drinking again, or smoking pot, but i
need to destroy myself, why do i have this need. Do any of you??? i went to see my gp for a meds review, and i almost burst into tears, what im on now isnt
holding me, i was told to make an opoinment with my psychiatrist to talk about meds, and shes going to call about getting me someone to talk to. ill let you
know how that goes, hope everyone else is doing better than i am, some of us have to make it.xx
Home | BPD Bookstore | BPD Articles | BPD Research | BPD Today Advocacy Program
Family Section | BPD Survey | Clinician Section | BPD Newsletter | Locate a Therapist | About | Contact
slipped up
| Author | Comment | ||
|---|---|---|---|
 a sinking soul |
slipped up |
Lead | |
|
Posts: 22 (10/22/09 11:54:22) |
|
||
|
lauren.myownbusiness |
|||
|
Posts: 126 (10/24/09 22:57:00) |
*Hug* You know that you will have to stop cutting yourself this isn't good for you honey. You probably feel the need to be self-destructive because you
have such little self worth and I can relate to that feeling. I want you to try something new that maybe you have never tried before in your whole life. Next
time you feel the urge to cut yourself. I want you to write this down and keep it with you. Write down: I love myself, I am beautiful, I deserve to be happy, I
deserve to feel good, I am strong, I am a survivor, I am not a victim because I am in control, I am precious, I love my body. Please repeat this many many many
times and look at yourself in the mirror I don't care if it feels akward or embarrassing or uncomfortable just do it anyways. If you start crying in the
middle of it that's ok. You are probably not used to hearing yourself talk so nicely to yourself. You need to build yourself back up and love yourself.
Please hang in there. You are a very beautiful girl let that beauty shine through. Take time to just look at yourself in the mirror and just appreciate
yourself for all your imperfections every freckles, birth mark, scar, your body shape just love it. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Heal yourself.
|
||
|
Syndica |
|||
|
Posts: 131 (10/28/09 02:37:47) |
get tattoos that's what i do then i don't want to cut my arms because of the tattoos. Besides getting tattoo makes u feel so good it's almost
better then sex. lol it made me feel on top of the world. it's alot better then ISing. I know how u feel my dear cutting one self spur of the moment and it
happens so fast.
|
||
|
Cath37 |
|||
|
Posts: 3 (10/28/09 15:16:33) |
Self injury can be impulsive by nature. I do agree with that. However, sometimes it is not, sometimes , we do it, because we can no longer cope , and need the
relief. I hope you are taking care of your cuts . Please do so. Make sure to keep them clean and dry.
I hope that you can see our Psych. Dr. soon. And feel better. their is no medication for self injury, however, sometimes , depression, or other things things can be treated to help a person feel better, and stop with the self harming. Usually it is not the first time , for a self harmer . But, it is ofent easier to continue on with the Si behavior once it is done . So please get the help you need , so you can feel better , and not want to continue on with the cycle of self harming. mscat. |
||
|
a sinking soul |
|||
|
Posts: 23 (10/29/09 11:24:07) |
oh god im not doing well, im doing completely worse, im so riled up, arghhh!god i hate myself, if i could claw at my face and tear the skin i would, ive been
punching doors and furniture, all my energy is bursting out of me, and not in a good, way. i rang the duty officer cos im really not doing good, cutting just
isnt doing it for me i hate myself so much , god i am filth, i am the muck stuck on the bottom of a bin, as i promised my gf i wont attempt suicide, i have
nothing left, but to try and knock myself out, so im about to leave right now and buy some sleeping pills, its what i used for my second suicide attempt, that
put me in hospital, but i dont care, im not going to take enough to kill me, just enough to knock me out, i cant take this much more, ive got an oppointment to
see my psychiatristy on friday, so ive just got to get till then, i hope i can make it, i cant afford to do anything stupid, oh f***! i wish this would just
stop, im going to get them now.
|
||
|
Syndica |
|||
|
Posts: 133 (10/30/09 05:49:40) |
hey there,
i know what's going through ur mind and u feel like jumping out of ur skin, that could be due to ur medication. I know it hurts in side and outside, but what u need to do is get rid of all that negative engeries you have around u. I have the same thing, so i light a black candle and i say to myself remove this negative engeries from my body. my mind and my soul. Don't be scare to try it honey it works for me. sit there and watch the flame it's very calming. blessed be
|
||
|
a sinking soul |
|||
|
Posts: 26 (10/30/09 09:52:40) |
ok, so im stil here, i went to get the pills and i also bought some sambucca, and another thing went wrong and i just didnt care, i was in the asda car park,
and i was just so desperate, so i put all the pills in my mouth and took the water to wash them down, but it reminded me of the last time i did this, and i
thought of my partner, and i couldnt do it to her, so i spat them out, and i rang the base and told them i was doing really badly, and my mum and dad, left
work early and told me to sit tight and theyd come and get me. i was not in a good way. but then i calmed down eventually, and they took me to play pool, to
try to take my mind of it later on, and i txted my partner to tell let her know i was ok, but i thought she was going to finish with me cos my last one did,
and i have a major fear of abandonment, and i seriously thought if she leaves me, im going to jump of a building, instead of the other way i was going to kill
myself if she ever left, i know feel like if she goes i deserve to die in a horrible way, and it was the first time in ages id truly felt like i could do it,
kill myself, like before its always been about stopping everything, stopping all of this, and if death happens then ok, but this time i just felt, if i lose
her i dont have a reason to stay. My life is just existing, everyday is a struggle and the only reason im still here is because of her. But she said shes never
going to leave, that she loves me, and we'll get through this together. So hopefully i wont have to do that. hopefully with her help i can get through each
day at a time. so today i ve taken my citalipram 40mg in the morning instead of the evening and am going to take double my dose of quitiapeen/ seriquel, in the
afternoon, and hopefully that will help until my meeting with the psychiatrist. and my mum and dad where going to go to london to see my sis, but my dads going
to stay to make sure im ok. so right now, im felling ok. not great, cos i always have a feeling of hatred towards myself, but days like this i can push it deep
within me.
lauren yo know, what you said abou saying nice things, i know thats what i need to do, but it actually mentally hurts me to say it, i just, i cant, not right now, eventually, i may be able to but for now, its just to hard, but thank you for the thoughts.xxx |
||
|
erin |
|||
|
Posts: 72 (10/31/09 00:20:05) |
I just got a massive tattoo on my leg to cover all my cutting scars.. Its of roses and the scars fade into the petals and make it look 3d.. lucky i have a
great tattoist coz not alot would tattoo ova scars...
|
||
|
scrip50 |
|||
|
Posts: 529 (10/31/09 06:34:11) |
Hugs and take it gently. If you need to pick up meds can someone go with you? Is there someone who could hold your meds for you and only hand over what is safe
for you to have at your place day by day. I don't keep my meds in bulk at home. My pharmacy gives me a weekly pack and a small amount of PRN to keep at
home. If I am overwhelmed by a melt down then overdose is less of an option. I know this sounds silly but if I'm ill I will freeze my cooking knives in a
big ice cream container of water and take my art blades to my dad till I feel better. It means that I can't cut right when that first impulse comes. Then I
have a bit more time to use other strategies. Try to be safe and if you find yourself planning to injure or attempt suicide then get help straight away. More
hugs.
|
||
|
Cath37 |
|||
|
Posts: 7 (11/02/09 18:08:28) |
Glad you are hanging in there . You thought of the people who love and care for you . Those are the people who who will be the most hurt , and feel the most
pain to see you hurt yourself, and gone forever. You are strong!! Stronger than I believe you know . It takes courage to do what you did, thankfully you have
enough strenghth within you to fight off these urges .
It is a good think, a wonderful thing , that your doing for yourself. Allow somebody to help you with the medications , so you do not overdo it . It is not good to take to many , or double up , without talking to your psychatrist first. Even though it might be tempting , please wait and talk to your DR. Let your Dr. know about how you were feeling , and the sucidal urges you have been experiencing. My Psychatirst, just recently adjusted my meds for nearly the excat same reason recently . It is better to let the Dr. adjust your medication. Hold on ok? You are a strong person, and will come out of this!!! think of those who care for you and love you. mscat |
||
