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That really used to be me. I pushed people away. I got better on my own over years and years and actually just in the last few months found out I had BPD.

Even though I had gotten so much better, when I read the symptoms or signs of BPD, I suddenly re examined myself and noticed I was still criticising people around me. Not in a fit of rage like I used to but it really hurts just as much if you neet acceptance from someone and they tell you there is something wrong with you.

In some cases I thought I was actually being kind by pointing things out and I really thought that I was expressing affection.

But when I did find out, I absolutely took responsibility for everything I did, went around making humble apologies.

The thing is it hurts really badly to realise that you have been hurting people that you thought you were loving.

All the things you said about your wife are due to her BPD, but at the same time she is totally responsible for them. We all have our problems and we can't take them out on others.

Problem is she has to be in the right place to be able to admit responsibility for her actions and only she can find that place in her heart. If you try to force responsibility on her it will backfire and she will dig her heals in.

It is just a matter of whether you are willing to go through the fire for her. I assure you that she does not mean to hurt you and she does love you. But you have to decide for yourself if it hurts you too much to be treated that way.

What you can do is learn about BPD and its causes and try by telling her calmly that you realise she is hurting, that it is understandable because she has been hurt so much, but you don't want to accept being treated that way by her and you have a right to better treatment but that does not mean that you don't love her. You might also offer to help her get therapy and go to therapy with her if that is what she needs.

But boundaries are important for borderlines. I recently got into trouble by having a friend who was available for me 24/7 and I got used to not having to deal with being alone. This started to make me panic when he was not available for even the shortest periods of time, like a few hours. A huge step backwards.

And it turned out that he had Dependent Personality Disorder so he wanted me around to make all his decisions. And that had been getting worse as well. When I found that out I asked him if we could work on boundaries and he just stopped wanting to come over. He just isnt ready. So he will do doubt find someone else to make his decisions.

And I have gone back to spending time with people who are not available all the time and I am quickly regaining my boundaries comfort level that I worked so hard for over the years. At least it did not set me back for long.

Anyway, boundaries are so important. When you first put them up it will seem like you are hurting her, but you are actually helping her.

Also, not to scare you but some, early on in the healing process, will threaten to harm themselves as a way of making you break the boundaries you have put up. They are using your love for them against you. If this happens (it does not always) the best thing to do is to tell her that the only thing you can do for her is call 911 or take her into a hospital for treatment. But keep the boundaries she is trying to break through. It is better for her even though it may take courage on your part.