I've been hitting myself when I get really mad-since I was a kid. After the bruises around my eyes became too noticeable, I started hitting my legs.
I'm sure others understand, I actually feel better when I feel the bruises. A few months ago, my dad said something that upset me on the way to work. I
can go weeks and months w/o doing it, and then there it is again. This time, I was hitting my face with both fists-it's good I only have decent aim with
my right side. I was doing this in a Walmart parking lot, new behavior. I almost had to go home and get some coverup makeup-I did a good job with my right
hand. I found some coverup stuff in my purse. I know my co-workers wondered, but didn't say anything. I'm a horrible liar-so I had no idea what
to tell them. I get such intense emotions suddenly (for being schizotypal) and I have no safe place to put them. It's hard to get help for a problem
you don't even want to admit to. I have really fair skin too, which doesn't help matters. Does anyone else relate to anger being the trigger?
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si and anger
| Author | Comment | ||
|---|---|---|---|
 k899 |
si and anger |
Lead | |
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Posts: 4 (09/08/09 00:25:28) |
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MTs0ul |
Been there - Done that too | ||
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Posts: 2 (09/09/09 21:24:21) |
Dear k899,
Anger has always been my biggest trigger for self injury. Emptiness runs a close second. The difference is the anger is so intense that I'm often hurting myself before I realize it, where as the emptiness hurts so bad after a while I make a conscience decision to self injure in order to stop the pain of emptiness. I wish I could give you the solution for winning over this situation, but I can't say that I've mastered it myself. I try not to go for my head anymore when I start to explode and instead hit my legs, stomach or stuff around me that's not alive. I too have given myself bruises, deep scratches down both cheeks, and even hit my head so hard I cut open the skin. Luckily my hair hid the mark and bleeding, but I could still feel the blood running and the pulse of my heartbeat as the knot rose up on my head. If you feel the anger swelling up, it does help to clasp both hands together and squeeze them tightly. It's even better to sit on them until you can take a couple of deep breaths. That helps me when I can feel the anger starting to rise. I just started to receive help in the past 2 - 3 years when severe depression caused me to lose what control I had. I didn't even know there was a name for what I had or that other people experienced the same problems. I thought I was just different. Early childhood was when my symptoms first started too but I managed to keep most of the really bizarre stuff to myself and control it in my own way. The teen years and early twenties were the worst. I'm lucky I'm still alive and that I didn't kill anyone or get into legal trouble. I suspect that we have such a hard time controlling our anger because our bodies release a larger amount of adrenaline than others in "fight or flight" situations, but I'm not a medical professional so I can't prove it, nor have I ever seen any research to support my theory. Maybe one day enough research can be done to come up with a quick cure. I wish you the best of luck in the healing process. You're not alone in what you feel or the ways you deal with those feelings. Sometimes just knowing that fact is the best medicine of all. |
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scrip50 |
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Posts: 459 (09/10/09 06:06:40) |
I swim and do aqua exercise. I find it helps discharge built up stress and tension. It gives me longer fuse and I am overwhelmed less often. I think it uses
excess adrenaline. I have'nt self injured for some time ( I used to cut ). Squeezing my hands together and taking really deep long breaths can help me with
the impulse to lash out at myself. Managing overwhelming emotion is one of the hardest parts of my dx.
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lauren.myownbusiness |
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Posts: 33 (09/10/09 12:08:34) |
Yes I remember always feeling like I had so much anger built up inside me that the only release used to be s.i. but now I don't give in to those impulses.
Sometimes I do have a tendency of keeping things bottled up for a very long time til I can't seem to cope with it anymore. The healthiest thing that has
worked for me was just but on my sneakers and I would take a nice 3 mile jog/walk around my neighborhood til I calmed down. Another thing I do which might seem
a little weird but if something is really troubling me/something triggered me then what I do is I talk outloud to myself to help myself figure it out.
Obviously you need to be alone to do that one but I find that talking to myself helps me feel like I'm getting to the bottom of things and then I can
somewhat come up with a solution. Also I have a journal that I write in so when I feel overwhelmed by life and issues that are piling up I just feel safer
writing it all down. No one judges me when I write and I can be completly honest without feeling like I was being impulsive. I used to pace alot sometimes when
I had alot on my mind! Hey there's nothing wrong with pacing it's a better alternative then hurting yourself. It's like this frantic, pent up
energy that needs to be released and sitting still never helps. An alternative to actually bruising yourself are little simple things: taking an ice cold
shower, or super hot shower, holding ice on your skin to focus all your energy on that feeling, pouring candle wax on your skin (harmless) punching a kicking
bag if you have one (luckily I do in the garage or if your a member of the gym they always have some) dancing to loud music, cleaning the house (sometimes that
uses up all my excess energy and then I feel productive afterwards) cooking (if your into that sort of thing). Really the trick is to find an activity that
will help absorb all your thoughts and sort of redirect them. Even if it means just watching your favorite comedy movie to just make yourself laugh. But to be
completly honest music is the one thing that centers me that helps me find my way.....Music is always there for me. When I don't want to hear the rest of
the world I just put on my headphones and just close my eyes and listen to my favorite songs. Also if you like reading it's really fun to just get all
caught up in the story when life seems to overwhelming though in those cases I have my headphones on to block out everything. Last but not least if your in
your car and you have your music blasting well just yell outloud and get all the anger out of your system. If someone gets you angry it's okay to be mad at
them in your car and you can even pretend your telling them off in your car and you get the negative feelings out without actually having to be
confrontational. Well I don't know if any of this helped. Hope you found some new things that can help you cope:)
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lauren.myownbusiness |
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Posts: 33 (09/10/09 12:08:37) |
Yes I remember always feeling like I had so much anger built up inside me that the only release used to be s.i. but now I don't give in to those impulses.
Sometimes I do have a tendency of keeping things bottled up for a very long time til I can't seem to cope with it anymore. The healthiest thing that has
worked for me was just but on my sneakers and I would take a nice 3 mile jog/walk around my neighborhood til I calmed down. Another thing I do which might seem
a little weird but if something is really troubling me/something triggered me then what I do is I talk outloud to myself to help myself figure it out.
Obviously you need to be alone to do that one but I find that talking to myself helps me feel like I'm getting to the bottom of things and then I can
somewhat come up with a solution. Also I have a journal that I write in so when I feel overwhelmed by life and issues that are piling up I just feel safer
writing it all down. No one judges me when I write and I can be completly honest without feeling like I was being impulsive. I used to pace alot sometimes when
I had alot on my mind! Hey there's nothing wrong with pacing it's a better alternative then hurting yourself. It's like this frantic, pent up
energy that needs to be released and sitting still never helps. An alternative to actually bruising yourself are little simple things: taking an ice cold
shower, or super hot shower, holding ice on your skin to focus all your energy on that feeling, pouring candle wax on your skin (harmless) punching a kicking
bag if you have one (luckily I do in the garage or if your a member of the gym they always have some) dancing to loud music, cleaning the house (sometimes that
uses up all my excess energy and then I feel productive afterwards) cooking (if your into that sort of thing). Really the trick is to find an activity that
will help absorb all your thoughts and sort of redirect them. Even if it means just watching your favorite comedy movie to just make yourself laugh. But to be
completly honest music is the one thing that centers me that helps me find my way.....Music is always there for me. When I don't want to hear the rest of
the world I just put on my headphones and just close my eyes and listen to my favorite songs. Also if you like reading it's really fun to just get all
caught up in the story when life seems to overwhelming though in those cases I have my headphones on to block out everything. Last but not least if your in
your car and you have your music blasting well just yell outloud and get all the anger out of your system. If someone gets you angry it's okay to be mad at
them in your car and you can even pretend your telling them off in your car and you get the negative feelings out without actually having to be
confrontational. Well I don't know if any of this helped. Hope you found some new things that can help you cope:)
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kat sprat |
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Posts: 30 (10/03/09 02:50:18) |
i used to cut becuase of anger, thats how i started, but i beat myself first from about the age of 11/12. Not until recent years though did it get severe and
the skin was yellow and black, and very heavily raised, but ive stopped doing that now, i take deep breaths to calm me down almost until i go dizzy, and script
is right, excercise is the key, beacuse if your not getting rid of the energy you build up during the day its going to come off worst when your angry. Blowing
off some steam, i fast sprint, just down the road and back would solve that when your angry. And like lauren, i write in a diary, but i also write on myself
with black felt tip, usually perminant marker, and i write all the bad thoughts. Breathing helps me though, taking dee[ breaths. hope that helps.xx
give me the rope and let me tie my own path
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jEm23 |
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Posts: 6 (10/03/09 09:01:00) |
anger has always been one of the main causes for me self injuring. cutting is my main vice, but i also wrist bang, and hit my head against things somtimes,
like if i am somewhere or in a situation where i cannot cut.
anger definatly triggers me to cut, above any other reason, (which includes sadness, lonliness, rejection, ed related stuff etc) i dont know why it makes me feel calm again, it just seems to wash away all feelings, and im numb for a little while after. it calms me down, and helps me deal with emotions building up inside me.
"I know what
it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but
you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside"
"there is no TRY, only DO" 5'5" cw: 143lbs gw1: 130lbs gw2: 115lbs ugw: 99lbs |
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Cath37 |
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Posts: 1 (10/23/09 16:41:27) |
Anger is certainly a trigger for me. I keep things hidden , and do not like to express anger, however, I have more frequently, not tolerating others crap. It
is so much easier to show verbal anger towards otheers that I do not know , such as those who try to cut me off at the gas pump, I have no problem teeling them
off . I laugh at the fact I can scare someone away from my verbal attacks , as they drive off .... (shrugs) oh well . I was there first. It is funny as hell.
Although I am usually not so brazen to be as verbally assaultive, I can get my buttons pushed very easily , and than I will turn quickly into somebody not to
be "messed with " LOL. Anger , a lovely word, I typically take it all on myself, always , and severely onto my own self. I feel nothing , constant
numbness. It is unpleasant , the detatchment . i've severely Self harmed many times , and every year go through an eposoide of one bad incident. Seeminly
where it becomes completely out of control moreso than ever expected. A bomb goes off, an explosion.
All the anger , and frustrations goes into that one incident. Leaving behind devastation. After it is all over and I actually realise I am feeling better, survivng the pain, however , the damage allready been done to the body, just a body , not meaning much. The reality is what sinks in. OH , it was bad , more serious than I knew . or expected . Now to pay the consequences. taking several months to heal. To heal the body of the severe damage. Anther OOPs. Well small price to pay to let the body rid of the anger and to feel alive , at least , only if it is temporary. |
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jEm23 |
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Posts: 16 (12/10/09 07:59:11) |
when i self injure its usually out of anger, as well as depression, ed related stuff and lonliness/abandonment. Cutting is my main vice, however ive also hit
myself, wrist banged and banged my head against a wall on occasion. I first started cutting at 15 years old. Its such a hard thing to give up too. Its so
addictive, i crave that feeling of release when im angry or upset over something and i just cant help myself. Ive been doing pretty well over the last year
though, ive only cut on about 5 occasions, whereas before that it was up to a couple of times a week at its worst.
"I know what
it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but
you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside"
"there is no TRY, only DO" 5'5" cw: 143lbs gw1: 130lbs gw2: 115lbs ugw: 99lbs |
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