I don't know if I'm extremely angry or if I'm really broken and sad.......I guess I can be both. I left my husband this morning.........he brought
me to my parents' house and I think he and I both agree that this should be for good. My conditions, ESPECIALLY my bpd, are all very burdening and tough on
him, tough is an understatement actually.. but his personality and the way he behaves certainly doesn't make things easier; we conflict. He's
extrememly stubborn, I'm depressed all of the time anymore, and it's been going more and more downhill and now I feel like it's crashed all
together. ALREADY. We haven't even been married for a year!!!!!!!! And I thought after all we've been through (AND WE'VE BEEN A
LOT TOGETHER), all I've put us through, we could survive anything.. we could make it. I feel like my heart is in a million pieces and I'm so
torn......... I just want to crawl back to him but I know that this is for the better and I feel I hate him now; think he's a horrible horrible person...
but my life feels completely ruined. I tell him I want him to be there for me more and spend more time with me and he tells me that I want him to be 'my
slave' and bow to my every command. That's not how I am at all!!!!!!! But I don't have friends, I'm not close with my family, he was the only
person I had. He's my identity, MY SECURITY AND ONLY STABILITY and I haven't been single EVER since I was about 13 years old!!!!!!!! I'm a
relationship junkie and I feel soo empty and incomplete if I'm not in one. I thought we could survive anything and that we could be perfect but all
he's brought me lately was sadness, tears, and resentment for all the mean words he's said to me. I don't know what to do, but I know I need time
to myself..... but I don't know if I can survive it alone because I don't even understand myself.. or who I am. I'm nothing
outside of him. There is no other world. I CAN'T KEEP RELATIONSHIPS for the life of me and they're everything to me!! No kind of relationships........
no friends, no lovers, and obviously no husband!!!!! I've lost all hope in relationships. I'm in pieces. Little, painful, jagged pieces.
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I CAN'T KEEP RELATIONSHIPS..Can't believe this is happening, ALREADY
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 heavy heart |
I CAN'T KEEP RELATIONSHIPS..Can't believe this is happening, ALREADY |
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Posts: 156 (07/05/09 07:23:47) |
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 Qelyn |
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Posts: 904 (07/05/09 16:28:36) |
(((heavyheart)))
I am sorry to hear you are going through this..... Its tough to deal with I can't imagine what you must be going through right now...... Feel free to post here as much as you need to..... One thing to know though is that it will get easier, and life will go on no matter what happens...... Q |
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 157 (07/05/09 21:17:19) |
Q, thank you. I am still at my parents' house, really don't want to live here again but have nowhere else to go. I miss our
apartment but he doesn't want me there. I was talking to him a lot today over the phone and I kept telling him we can sort this out, go to counseling
together, anything--and that we've just hit a rough patch and it can get better.... but he keeps telling me it's over and he can't take anymore.
He's the last person in the world who I ever thought would give up on me, he's honestly the only human being I trusted with all of my heart to stick
around!!!!! He said he will still be here for me for whatever I go through, but it just isn't same..... I wanted to spend our life together. And he says he
still loves me more than anything, I'll always have his heart, but he just can't deal with this marriage anymore |
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Maymee |
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Posts: 9 (07/05/09 23:42:59) |
Heavy Heart,
I really feel for you. I know what it's like to have no identity and to be as you say, a relationship junkie. When my relationships end, I feel like I am literally dying and it has sent me to the psych hospital twice. All I can say is to talk to your therapist to try to figure out what to do and try to remain calm. Just speaking for myself, I tend to try to force solutions; push people when they need a break; end things when they could still be repaired; etc. I have found that talking to my therapist, friends and taking a "breather" (sometimes I need Klonopin or Seroquel to accomplish this-- this is JUST me-- I'm not recommending it) makes options seem a little clearer. You may need to take a look at what you are seeing in black and white and also if you are "splitting". I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers because I DO UNDERSTAND. Lastly, just speaking for myself, I am trying to end this crazy cycle of relationship addiction and insanity by doing DBT skills therapy. I have only been to 2 sessions but I understand it is supposed to work w/BPD issues. HANG IN THERE~ |
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heavy heart |
I'm in shock | ||
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Posts: 158 (07/06/09 05:56:05) |
Maymee, thank you,
I keep hoping this is one big nightmare and I'll wake up from it any minute and see him still laying next to me! As you said you tend "to end things when they could still be repaired"...that's what I am trying to keep him from doing... this can be sorted out! He said he will go to as many therapy sessions with me as I want, but only to get me through this, not for our relationship. He said it's over and it can't be fixed. I said all of the right things to him (all of which I meant with all my heart), I spilled my heart out to him, told him of my dedication to him, sent him an online Miss You card, and apologized a lot now about everything I've put him through. I did feel resentment towards him and anger, yes, I felt I couldn't stand him for what he was doing to me... but now I've come back to reality (well not quite) and realized how good he was to me.... I need him back. This can be repaired. I hope that through the therapy sessions he goes with me to, he will see he's making a big mistake. I'm beyond depressed, all I want to do is sleep but I couldn't last night, just kept thinking of all of the little things I'm going to miss about him and our apartment, the future life we should've had together, how empty I am now...and mostly of how scared to death I am of my last name maybe changing and the day that may come where we don't even speak anymore after all of this is truly over!!!! I feel I always need to be texting him and talking to him when I'm here or I'll end up back in the hospital. People on here obviously aren't going to know of me and his relationship, but believe me, it was always a rock... my therapist always says he's really my only stability; everything else in my life is chaotic. Wait till she hears about him ending it with me; she'll be as shocked as I am! I really still am in shock and I keep doing all I can to have him change his mind. I can't leave this alone and let him walk away from everything we've had...and I am not going through the process of divorce.......it would be so so so painful. I need to make him stay. |
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 159 (07/06/09 20:55:14) |
I also would like to do DBT, but money is always the matter - maybe, hopefully I can make it happen in the future...
Today was very emotional for me..I barely slept a wink last night, so I napped today.. it's amazing how soothing some dreams can be while you're in them but then when you wake up and know it's not the case, it's devastating. To me it was anyway....I was dreaming a silly little dream, it was weird, just of my husband and I talking over the phone to each other, being really silly to each other, how we always were. It's incredible how the simplest things can be nothing but simple but when there's a chance it'll all be taken away, those little things feel like heaven on earth. The phone woke me up - it was my therapist and after I got off the phone with her I thought of the dream and realized there's a possibility he and I will never be cute and silly like that again........I was devasted and cried my eyes out. Well, I'm back at the apartment now at least, he wanted me to come be with my ferrets because he knew I felt lost without them.... but he isn't staying here tonight, sleeping at a friend's house... he said he needs time to think. I could just kiss the carpets of this place because I've never been so happy to see it  . I told my husband if he
stays with me, I certainly have sacrifices to make; changes to see to. I made a list of things that regularly need to be done on my part to make life easier
around here...and to make him happy which is what I feel I was born to do, but haven't lived up to it lately. So I guess we will see and just hope he will
allow us to patch this up when things settle down... and I will have to do some serious work. I guess marriage is making sacrifices to make and
keep each other happy......just hope it's not too late !!
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Borederlinedenial |
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Posts: 2 (07/08/09 01:21:36) |
Hey.
So I know where you're at. Me and my boyfriend of 5 years, the guy i lived with for the last year and a half broke up with me because BDP, and other health issues. I didn't think he would, and he dropped it on me one day that he couldn't take it anymore and moved out three days later. He no longer talks to me or has any contact. But I found it was easier for both of us to just move on. It's been six months now, and although I miss our relationship, I think it was more the security of being in a relationship that kept us together for so long. The fear of having nobody even though after six months of hell and his drinking and my depression we were holding onto to shreds of what we use to have. I hope you guys work out, but remember even if it doesn't... you're way more important than a relationship, take care of yourself, then you can start worring about others. |
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 161 (07/08/09 10:19:18) |
Thank you for your words. He and I are doing well actually... after me coming back to the apartment for a night or so, he looked at me and said he loves me
more than anything, I'll always have his heart, and that he didn't want to do this........ he just wants me to treat him better. He said that after me
continously taking my intense emotions out on him, it's broken him down over time. I never ever intended to that but I do understand my illness is hard on
others as well.
I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend of 5 years.... that's a long time as well and you're very strong for getting through it. I don't think I would've gotten through honestly if he hadn't decided to stay together. He's just become too much to me and he's my life now. That may not necessarily be healthy but love is essential and we both do love each other very deeply. If he didn't love me that much, he wouldn't even have been around this long. So things are going to be ok... as long as I work extra hard at this now!! Thanks again, and thanks to everyone else too, He and I are doing well, xoxoxo |
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nas |
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Posts: 77 (07/08/09 22:07:01) |
yayayayayayah!!!!
I'm so happy to hear you're getting back on track sweety xoxox |
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 170 (07/09/09 10:33:24) |
 Thanks Nas, you're wonderful! xoxoxoxo
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nas |
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Posts: 82 (07/09/09 22:33:48) |
Right back at ya!! xox
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 239 (07/26/09 20:23:59) |
Just thought I'd update that my husband and I are doing very well. We've been spending lots of quality time together, feel like we're back to
normal, haven't been fighting (I think we've had one argument really since I've been back at the apartment), and I've been making changes -
mostly little changes so far, but they're effective......and I have to start out small in order to make it to big eventually
I can't thank everyone enough for being there for me through a very bad
time....You know who you are Hope everyone's well,
xoxoxoxoxo
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nas |
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Posts: 110 (07/30/09 23:50:34) |
Awwww xoxoxoxo
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 250 (07/31/09 23:46:53) |
Hi Nas! hehe. xoxoxoxo
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Between trying to talk sense into him and to not give up yet,
I've just been crying and sleeping on and off all day long. I feel emptier than I have ever been in my life. What can I do to have him
realize this can be sorted out, if he won't even come here to talk because he said it's too hard on him to see me? And please
don't say there's nothing I can do....... it wasn't supposed to be this way. I feel like he's quitting just because it's too hard right now
and that's just ridiculous--he said he's come to a breaking point....I need to show him that it CAN get better. But how do I? I'd like to get him
to come here so we can discuss going to couples therapy sessions for a while (while continuing my own too, of course). Maybe he'll feel he can
tomorrow.........god, I hope so. I can't take this.
