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Give her the book " A new hope for Borderline Personality Disorder" .....

She needs to be treated period the fact that she has a masters and refuses treatment is a huge warning sign for you..... She wont get any better unless and until she is medicated for the borderline symptoms and goes to therapy to learn how to change the traits of the disorder, they can be changed, her knowledge is probably outdated..... They have found that some medications work for the symptoms, an antidepressant in the newer classes and an atypical antipsychotic are necessary to treat BPD..... But she has to be at her bottom, she has to be ready for a change......

No abuse is acceptable, not even from a borderline..... You are enabling her to stay sick by not insisting she treat you differently..... She needs consequences for her behavior because she is responsible for it, BPD is no excuse to abuse someone else, there is treatment so it is inexcusable to refuse treatment for a mental illness..... It is irresponsible to exist in society and refuse treatment for something as detrimental as BPD...... She has no right to lay her hands on you at all...... For both you and her it is essential that you give her consequences for her actions....... Were it me I would not maintain a relationship with someone who knows as much as she should about her disorder and refuses treatment for it, it wont get any better, it will only get worse....... Marriage is a bad idea unless and until she gets treatment, it should be a prerequisite for furthering the relationship.....

I have been married for 17 years and for 16 years things didn't get any better until I faced my illness and got treatment for it...... Now my relationship is calm, respectful, loving, and not at all chaotic....... We live in peace now but it took me accepting my illness and taking my meds, seeing my therapist, and him learning about my illness so he could learn to not engage in the drama..... But it had to come down to the threat of losing my relationship and family to get there, I had to know I was going to lose everything if I didn't do something....... I ran, I raged, I hurt those closest to me, and I didn't seem to get that it wasn't ok for me to treat others the way I did...... For your sake and hers insist she get help and insist that you have couples counseling and do not get married until the counselor gives the ok..... I promise you it wont get better until she takes the steps necessary to get better period..... She is also not a victim in this as she has a choice with treatment and needs to accept that she has limitations emotionally......

Q

This is how she truly sees things...... And her accusing you of doing things she has done is a classic case of transference which is very common in BPD...... The other is splitting which is where she sees a person or situation in black and white either all good or all bad no in between or context to give a clear view of reality...... People with BPD have serious perception problems, they fail to see the reality of a situation and can only see things through their colored lenses...... An untreated BPD has a type of thought psychosis, their reality is based entirely on their perception of the world and that perception is incredibly skewed...... With a Borderline you will never win they are master manipulators because they are so good at manipulating themselves which makes it easy to debate a subject until they wear the other person down...... She truly believes things are the way she says they are and will fight to the death for what she sees as right or as an injustice to her...... She will always be the victim and you the bad guy, until she learns to see the reality of the world and see people as 3 dimensional she will idealize you or demonize you, and either way it will exhaust you.....

It is a serious illness that requires treatment...... I seriously caution you in going further with this woman...... I believe that people with BPD can have relationships but only if they are being treated because those relationships are a serious part of their illness, one of the criteria being related to tumultuous relationships...... She isn't doing any of this on purpose but she is seriously ill and it is really a bad thing she is refusing treatment....... If you want to keep the relationship going set some boundaries, one of them being she has to seek treatment, the other being she can't disappear for anything but short periods of time without letting you know she is all right, and certainly one other she cannot abuse you.....

Telling you this makes me sad because it really helped me to have my husband in my life, it healed a lot of wounds for me, but the times I went off the deep end it took a toll on him and on my kids and it makes me sad to know that it took him being at his wits end for me to finally see that I needed help and had to work hard to get better...... It took me almost losing everything to be responsible for changing, and I had limited understanding of BPD at the time..... Your girlfriend has working knowledge of mental illness and should know better than to be mentally ill and not be treated, this puts her in a unique position of responsibility......

Understanding her is good to help you learn how to deal with her illness but understanding cannot possibly do what is necessary for her to get better, only she can do that.....

Q

I wish you luck Howie, I am sorry I didn't have better news about it all..... Hopefully the next relationship you find yourself in will be loving and respectful.....

Q