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I believe my GF of many years is bpd. She has blamed most of these symptoms on my unwillingness to marry her. I care about her but will not engage her until she deals directly with this issue. So, I am trying to help (and being told that's a mistake, classic rescue trap). She has professed an intense love for years which has withstood long distance and other relationships. Her symptoms include... panic and anxiety relationship sabotage anxiety attacks when she gets "too happy" speaking in contradiction secrecy what appears to be various identities paranoid ideation under stress deeply paranoid about my intentions and other women depression deep anger veiled promiscuity during identity throes appearing as victim of everything wild mood swings change in seconds impulsive fear of abandonment constantly breaking up "first" and coming right back. I just went through what appears to be the fourth "ride" or throes of BDP in 5 years. I'm a pretty good catch, not entirely committal, we've been off-on for 10 years. She's attractive but the more you know her she appears to be getting more "undone". I heard that when we lived apart, during one of her "throes", she slept with a few guys MUCH younger, she was 29 and one 19. I just learned this and am having a very hard time processing it. I understand age inappropriateness can be common? She went into this episode when she lost her job. She vanished. She crashed and pleaded with me to let her move in with me from out of state after 3 year long distance. Her "identity" with me is the opposite of this. It was stunning for me. I would have never suspected it. What I want to know is which is real and which is the false self. I have been told in all likelyhood her authentic self in the "baby talk" and the girl that loves me, who always appears to make the FINAL decisions. But, her false self is rough and freyed covered by a veneer of class and confidence. I get confused sometimes and think the authentic girl is the party girl, racy, naughty, etc... But, this one comes out only under severe stress or when I break up or leave. Otherwise, she is like....THE best girlfriend. Which is the role? Which is real? I'm having a hard time with this. If the real girl is my GF it's worth fighting for, but what if the real one is the other one? Then, perhaps I should just go... She deeply proclaims her true self is the girl who wants to be with me, the good side. I'm confused. I'm having a hard time. She proclaims her love for me is so intense that if I decide I can't be with her, she wants me to give her a child. While complimented by this, I'm having a hard time understanding how she can feel so strongly about me and make such incredible mistakes which violate my boundaries at the SAME TIME. Just this week, she spent the night all week and really lathered it on me after crashing... after a two month throes. I'm worried about what happened during this two months. I sense infidelity. I plead with her to be honest BEFORE she gets close again so I can think it thru. She refuses but throws out hints that she sabotaged an hates herself (and me). I accuse her of self-injury by getting close to me again BEFORE disclosing what I'm sure to learn later. I just don't know what to do to get her to be HONEST. She will lie to me to keep me. I know that. I don't like it. I told her this was like stealing my choices. She has never broken up with me (really) in ten years. She does things that appear to be her breaking up with me and she comes right back in weeks. The only real break-ups we've had is when I do not take her calls, as I did for 6 months, after she triangulated me and lied the whole way through. When I learned this, I walked that day. She got me back 6 months later. I never understood why she's with me because I have more strict boundaries than most guys. No cheating, ever, period. It's that simple for me. She never does cheat except when she goes into these throes, her entire personality changes, she issues a suicide ideation to me, gets physically sick, sometimes goes to ER for unknown ailments, her eyes start darting around, etc.. This time, I saw it close up whicle we lived in same city. It scared me. I asked her if she trusted me enough to help her make decisions for a few weeks because I felt something bad would happen and she would regret it, get depressed and maybe worse. She didn't listen to me and went deep into the throes.. She blew up the relationship, went into a serious depression, shut everyone out and a week later, she was lathering it on like a honeymoon. This time, instead of abandoning her, I decided to SHOW her I understood her condition and her self-loathing. I picked her up, dusted her off and told her that while I was not happy, I would be by her side if she addressed this head on. She agreed but immediately tried to turn it into a honeymoon. I pushed off the excessive love and told her to focus on the condition. She is a quiet borderline, IMO, and the opinion of an old relationship T. She emeshes and over involves everyone. It's hard on me. The first two weeks at her new job, she manages to get a suicide threat from a married male co worker which I get dragged in to my livingroom. I ask....how do they always find you!? (or she them). The drama always penetrated my life and I'm a busy guy. Our old relationship T says h's amazed she has been with me or trying for ten years....unmarried....that that's unusual. Is it? I started reading about BPD when he pointed it out to me....he knows our relationship and the Oz quality of her decisions. In fact, she picked him, pushed me for months to see him years ago and when I finally agreed and got there, she terminated it several appointments later, suggesting he was the wrong kind of therapist. She was looking for someone to help me with "anger management" not our "relationship". We were both stunned, as days before she wanted to get married and wanted a relationship T. I have never had an anger management problem in my life. I admit, she has caused more anger than anyone I have dated. After the latest "throes" which I'm certain violated many more boundaries than appeared, I promised myself that I would help her square her identity and help her honestly report to her T and be her FRIEND ONLY premised on her addressing this issue. She really danced with that idea. Says what she needs to address it, drops the ball and tries to honeymoon me and pick fights to put us back in the old tangle. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to get her to take the next step by constantly assuring her that I WILL NOT ABANDON HER NO MATTER WHAT...at least as a friend if she does this. I never promised this before. Is that good? I thought if I took abandonment off the table and porvided a safe protected environment, it would help. I even told her I assumed she has DONE FAR WORSE than she probably has, reading the symptoms, so.....purge, I will accept it, understand the compulsions and help her address it! I thought it was a great way for me to do something for her. She has done so many things for me after 10 years. The last throes I now think was triggered by me asking for my house key back (after she missed our plans and ended up drunk and out all evening). When I did this, she went wild on me and started what appeared to be a public vendetta, including sending my parents my own angry and personal emails to her so they could read them. My parents were shocked, like, this is HER?! When did she get so inappropriate. She HATED me and didnt hide it. She soon felt shunned. Everything was backfiring on her and she appeared desperate. She accused me of sleeping with the nurse in the ER during her visit for muscle spasims! She pretended like she broke up with me, of course.... that I was abusive and she played this game for months, while coming to my house when no one saw to "make-up". She would write my brother saying "he can't deal well with this break-up" and my bother would see her car in my driveway a week later. She was now starting to get a reputation among the people she cared so much about....my big happy family. She seems very intent on everyone thinking she is strong and in control. Me? I don't care so much, My family and I know the real deal. We care about her. But....it got pretty bad this time. She filed a police report over non threatening "text messages" becase she said there were "too many". Four days later she spent the night. I learned of the police report this week. I told her..."this could make you look bad, honey." I excuse this stuff because her mom is terminally ill and that's a big part of the stress. That news and my house key thig just BEFORE that set her off. My family and friends are convinced she loves me "too much" whatever that means...unhealthy way. I'm now questioning if it's love or need. That's the hardest part of the whole thing. The only thing that keep me involved is every single time she screwed up or got confused for ten years, she comes out of the fog looking for me. Is that love? Her love seems overwhelming but her actions are contrary. If this were not love, I'd be gone. I'm questioning it. Example: This week, she trying to get the relationship back. I'm highly suspicious of her two month throes-crash. She spends the week, asks me for a baby if I will not marry her, tells me she needs to be back and involved and feels shunned by my family and wants to fix it. She makes plans with me and tries to set up some vacation time and time with my family. She says she needs to stabalize. The next day, I do what I think is a nice thing, put her pictures with me on my Facebook account and invite her to be my friend (which we were not, account is a few months old). After all this lathering on me....guess what she says..... "NO! that's ok". She rejects my friendship on Facebook the night after she sleeps with me and asks for baby and inclusion in my family. Uh! Couldn't believe it. I accuse her of setting herself up(self-injury) by getting close to me and doing that, which she knows will result in fight. I accuse her of using me to abuse herself. I was upset. I just don't think I'm cut-out to help her. I feel as if she wants to irritate me. I tried not to overreact. But, she wants to spend the night tonight. I love her, but, folks, I can't accept this. I'm a successful, good looking guy and I want to get married and have kids in the next two years. She wants that NOW but will not be Facebook friends!? That is just one minor example of the daily double binds she creates in my life. I tried to introduce the concept of dialetical therapy to make that "facebook decision" and millions more just like it that she can't seem to make correctly. She just fights and fights, crys, blames me and changes the subject. Circular. Our old relationship T thinks she is a big...acting-in or quiet bdp. They all told me to "run". Period. Run. I think that's cold. They accuse her of "webs" but frankly, they're small ones and I know she wants to be better and wants to be with me. It's too obvious at this point in our relationship that all her webs are built out of fear. The Rela T said that an enagement ring could make the BDP WORSE not better....higher stakes, higher symptoms. Perhaps. I told her no engagement without adressing this directly and honestly. I know she does not self-report with her T. So, I told her as this is a "relationship attachment" issue, my reporting is valuable for her. Moreover, I'm one of those guys, pretty strong, that while I have boundaries, when she does the wild stuff it doesn't get to me like it could (or should), because, oddly, I have come to think that her love for me causes it in some way and I forgive it. I'm no angel myself either. But I don't emesh people in her life and I do NOT like drama. It's a strange thing to say, but for a decade it seems everything wrong she has done was directed to get my attention...even cheating. But, what was ok in your 20's is not in your 30's. I began to feel sorry for her seeing that she was going to ruin her dreams and goals with acting out and impulses. She gets "empty" inside and looses it. If I'm not there, she punishes me. It can be bad. I've let her know "this is it" and I'm not doing the "romantic thing" unless she addresses this thing head on. I promised her no abandonment if she tries but if she doesn't, I have to leave, mainly because she is not capable of doing anything half-way with me. She is not capable of chatting with me over a beer about my love life. Is this possible? Am I doing the right thing? Does anyone have any advice for me? I told her that it's like she has a few of these unintegrated particles inside her. That I'm in love with one, for sure, her authentic self. But, I ca't be with her if she lets her false self steer the ship. I accuse her false self of repeatedly punishing her authentic self. She is preoccupied with thinking when she "loves me", she is "weak". That is a destructive idea, as you know. THX!