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Help with attachment and dependency problems too soon in relationships

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heavy heart	Help with attachment and dependency problems too soon in relationships	Lead	[-]
Posts: 86 (05/13/09 20:50:00) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Tags : None Hey everyone. Have a question about something, wondering whether others struggle with the same thing and maybe advice on how to ease up on these feelings............ So I've had problems getting too attached with others in the past, kind of "hooked on" other people, a lot of times through only a few encounters....not always romantically (I'm married now) but just forming friendships with those people and whatnot........but lately it's been getting worse and worse, I have always felt extremely attached to my husband, which would be ok, he's my husband for god's sake!! But it can get to the point of it being unhealthy, feeling I literally couldn't live without him, he defines me now, feeling upset when he's not physically with me, etc. So not only have I been like this with my husband, I am also very attached and dependent on my (best) friends in my life and have the whole abandonment fears of course....but is there a problem with me being like this with guy friends as opposed to just my female friends?? One of my best friends is a guy and he's also my husband's best friend (we hang out with the same group of friends now) and I feel so dependent on him like I'm often checking on what he's doing, I feel I need to talk to him very often when we haven't hung out lately (he lives sort of far away, usually only see him over the weekends), and get scared of him not being in my life, feel I couldn't live without him, etc. My husband is aware of my attachment towards this friend and I think it makes him feel uneasy.....but it's how I am towards almost everyone, I get so so attached... I was hospitalized over the weekend, I'm ok now!! But they had me in the psych ward, the same one I was in back in december...now I'm attending the out-patient program there again, like I did back in dec. and I met 3 new friends who understand me well, I have a lot of fun with them and everything, and will most likely keep in touch with all of them...the one is a girl, the other 2 are guys. Even from not knowing them that long, I feel connected to them and that intense attachment towards them already. Is it wrong that I'm like this towards other guys other than my husband, even if it's not a romantic thing? I mean, yeah of course I'm going to love my friends (even the guy ones) and care for them and not want them out of my life ever, but I'm talking about serious attachment towards them.........I hung out with the one new friend today actually after the program because he lives near me so we'll probably hang out often now...although we are just friends and I'm married and everything, I feel unbelievably attached to him already. Kind of the same way with the other one also but he lives far away so after the out-patient program's over I may never see him again. We'll probably just talk over text messages, etc. I'm a little bit the same way about the girl though too, feel attached, like I'm going to need to see her often now and like I can't have her out of my life. It's just kind of like feeling deep love and attachment towards others after not knowing them long at all...... I mean, I don't have too many friends, especially close ones or ones that are always there for me....so is this my way maybe of just hoping these will be the friends who WILL be there for me always and be my true friends finally? Maybe it's just my need/yearning for a genuine friendship? I'm going to discuss it with my therapist when I see her next week but I was curious what people thought about this on here...can anyone relate?? How do I ease off of these intense feelings for others??? And is there a problem with me being like this towards guy friends since I'm a married woman now??? Even if they're not romantic feelings? ~Heavy Heart
Ethereal		#1	[-]
Posts: 7 (08/05/09 18:38:18) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Oh, how I can relate! I've experienced this several times in the past- I actually ended up distancing myself from the few friends I have, an obvious coping mechanism. But, I've never experienced this anywhere near as strongly as I am now, falling in love for real, meeting "the one", started to bring out the worst in me after the first 2-3 months, when the "honeymoon period", which brought out the best in me. I'm so dependent on my boyfriend, I'm more addicted to him than any substance I've been or am addicted too, I'm in a position where someone can hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before, and it makes me insecure and neurotic, if he's annoyed with me, or just grumpy, it can cause me to break down in tears. I'm so scared of losing him, he's the only reason for me to not kill myself. I'm convinced that if he leaves me, my life will is over. It's such an unbearable situation, and I hope the shrink I'm going to start seeing can help me with this. Sorry for rambling on about myself- it's just that I regonized so much of my own feelings and behaviour reading your post.
heavy heart		#2	[-]
Posts: 286 (08/05/09 22:20:32) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Ethereal, thanks for replying! I forgot about this post....no one else had replied. I think it may be a very tough situation so maybe others don't know quite what to even say - Yes, I am terribly clingy/obsessive with my husband...but I am also like this towards friends I make....girls and guys. (Keep in mind, I don't have many friends at all) And I'm not sure if it's 'proper' to be like this towards guy friends....the only one I have right now, the one I think I had mentioned in the thread, I do still talk to him, almost daily.....don't hang out with him so much because I think I've been trying to "cure" myself from my intense attachment by not seeing him! There isn't anything improper about our relationship except for the fact that I'm too intense about him!!! I get like that with almost everyone who ever gets close to me and treats me well.....Friendships, relationships of any kind, are surely my biggest issue.......it really breaks my heart a lot of time because it makes me feel even more lonely... Thanks again for responding, sorry to hear you are similar with your boyfriend......I hope all is well with you at the moment, xo
hmssws		#3	[-]
Posts: 251 (08/06/09 10:03:43) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Heavy heart, This is one where I do feel I have something to contribute.....It may not be what you want to hear......First of all let me say that what you are experiencing is a reaction to the real OR percieved feeling that your husband is pulling away or withdrawing from you......BPDs tend to find substitutes when they sense withdrawal from their love object........whether that withdrawal is real or not.......I definatly do this also.........So I am not judging you......As for your situation with guy friends.....I think your husband hs resonable cause to be somewhat disturbed......If you get too close to guys, you are in my opinion playing with fire......You could end up in a stuation where you do something you did not mean to do and end up regretting things.......We males are wired for essentially one thing, so one of them could very well attempt to manuver you into such a situation.......I am not saying absolutely not to have male friends.....I am saying to make sure you are very cautious to keep meeting places public and safe......Don't just think "you can handle the situation"....Steph used to tell me that.....The result was disasterous to our marriage......You could very easily be in one of your down moods or angry with your husband and need consolation.......Thats an easy target for a male........Remember, we males are dogs.....lol..... I tend to stick to the internet for my substitutes, its safer......It's still the same defense mechanism, and I think there are definate "issues" there also, but it is highly unlikely I'll end up in bed with one of them...... General Richard Garnett to General Lo Armistead just before they died leading their troops heroicly accross the open fields at Gettysburg in Pickett's Charge: " Maybe, just maybe today will be the last day."
heavy heart		#4	[-]
Posts: 287 (08/06/09 18:20:39) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hiya again Hank, I do tend to be finding "substitutes" when my husband feels to be emotionally far from me....and yes, when I have cheated in the past, is when I was angry/upset with the person I was with.....it was hardly ever the guy who I had cheated with knowing of that and trying to get with me....that was my own 'plan.' (Although I would always feel I was in love with the guy I cheated with because of how strong my feelings were for him, etc.) So it was always a big mess......BUT it isn't just my husband feeling withdrawn from me at times where I seek close friendships with others - I was always intense with other people. I think back to when I was 15 and I felt this way towards a girl friend of mine (I find it was around that age I really started to get extremely clingy)....Still till this day I do not know if I was completely in love with her (I am bisexual) or if I was just so clingy because I didn't want to lose her as a friend. I seem to be intense like that towards everyone I ever get close to!! Never feeling a normal amount of love towards someone - it's always over the top. Girls or guys. And I didn't say my husband doesn't have a reason to be disturbed by how I am with certain guy friends - but he needs to realize I am/have been the same way with girl friends. Right now, the friend I am by far the most attached to is a girl actually. (If you think about it, it's just the same as when I hate someone - the hatred tends to be extreme.) Hey, it's not like I ever have too many friends anyway - I barely have any. Yes, I know men are dogs, lol, and I had actually shut a lot of my male friends out of my life completely because I had realized they didn't want to just be friends....they wanted to get a chance with me...(Perhaps that's where my 'aspie' nature comes into play as well, it seems to take me a very long time to pick up on these kind of intentions!) But as I said the only male friend I even still talk to has had a lot of "moments" to do something to me, and never did. It takes me a while to trust people, but I do know to trust him. And also how I said, I talk to him daily, but do not really see him anymore in person.....which took me a long time to get over that even, but I think just as Ethereal said, I'm starting to distance myself from people more......I think I get scared of my intense feelings....a lot of times just want them to go away...
hmssws		#5	[-]
Posts: 254 (08/06/09 20:57:21) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	This is where things get sticky......Are you better off withdrawing to keep from screwing up (which is also not healthy) or taking the chance........There has to be a middle ground.....I think probably the safest path is to remain social but always on guard.....Don't allow yourself to be manuevered into a likely situation....keep interactions public and you should be OK.....As for your intense feelings, well I think most Aspies and many BPDs want their emotions to go away.....I always though Spoc on Star Trek had things right......I hate my emotions, I do not want to feel them at all......I hate the feeling of falling in love....Even emotions that normal people consider positive bother me......I simply can't handle emotions......That a good enough description???/ General Richard Garnett to General Lo Armistead just before they died leading their troops heroicly accross the open fields at Gettysburg in Pickett's Charge: " Maybe, just maybe today will be the last day."
kat sprat		#6	[-]
Posts: 34 (10/03/09 03:08:18) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	hi, i do feel very attachted to people very quickly, when it comes to friends, we get very close, like a brother, as most of my friends i get on with are boys, i take love from them and in return give love and hugs. I suppose i make them feel special and needed, but always in the end, they always want more than freindship from me, now dont get me wrong, theres nothing at all sexuall in the way i am with them, we just hang out every day, and are pretty much tied at the hip, but i always move on. i stay with one person for a few months then move onto the next. And i fall in love very quickly and become dependable, very easily, then my fear off abandonment clicks in, i suppose, wel i do, i need reasurance all the time. Is silly but i need to here i love you from my partner x amount of times a day, she likes saying it though so im very lucky we both wear our hearts on our sleaves, but anyway, yes i do get what you mean.xxx give me the rope and let me tie my own path

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