Hi,
I needed to talk to someone, before i go insane.... i think i am already there. I did something so stupid, I slashed my arms with army knife, there's blood
everywhere. my mom tried to calm me down after i screamed at the top of my lungs because i am living in utter fear
and there's nothing i can do about it, it seems that i am
complete termoil and in the depths of dispare where no one cares.
I am just completely drowning in my sorrow, running away from realistic and horrable visions, i see things that aren't there, but
they're so real to me and the things that i see would make you scream. God i feeel so stupid for SI'ing..... I thought i was doing ok, but noooo i
screwed up and such a failure, and i am so angery at myself. My mom is the only one that seems to understand me, I have no one else to talk to.... my mom tries
to understand, i could see the tears in her eyes when she saw my arms. I feel so alone and no one cares.
My shrink dumped me because he's such a jerk, because i didn't have childcare to get thearapy. Now I have no perment shrink, I'm stuck and no where
to go, I tried so many different mental health programms and comming up short. Oh good goto ur gp, it's been a bloody year!!!!!!!!
I am so ticked off. I am seeing a temp shrink but i don't think
he can help me. I hope that he can, i see him tommrow. I hope to god he will help me.
thanks for reading.
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I am such a failure
| Author | Comment | ||
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 Syndica |
I am such a failure |
Lead | |
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Posts: 29 (05/03/09 07:27:21) |
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mountaingirl |
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Posts: 174 (05/03/09 13:01:40) |
First of all, no you are not a failure. It is not true that nobody cares, although I can sympathize with feeling that way.
I will cross my fingers for you that the temp shrink can help in whatever small way he can. Maybe prescribing something for those visions would be a good start... Sometimes I feel like my mother is the only one that understands too, but you have to hold on to that and know how lucky you are even if you just have her, because a lot of borderlines have really bad relationships with their families and it sounds like that is something good in your life. Don't be so hard on yourself. Bestow the same kindness on yourself that you do to others. But when youre blinded by your pain
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 74 (05/03/09 22:18:09) |
Syndica,
yes I can also understand those feelings of no one caring... I feel that way oh so often.. but people DO care, all of us here care because we understand and sympathize with you and obviously your mother cares a very great deal. It's wonderful that you - and mountaingirl, too - have understanding mothers.... my family always just looked at me like I'm a freak. People care for you and hopefully that shrink can help, just open up to him and tell him everything you are feeling. You're certainly not a failure, you're not stupid for self-harming.. your multiple emotions just get the best of you sometimes - it happens to all of us here. No one here is a failure because we've all gotten so far. And you're a very kind person, keep that in mind, please keep us posted on your appointment tomorrow... I hope hope hope he can help! Love, Heavy Heart _______________________________________________________ " Told I talked too much, made too much noise... I took up a silent hobby -- bleeding. " -S. Marie |
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Syndica |
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Posts: 45 (05/08/09 13:39:45) |
hi all,
hugs and loves Syndica 
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mountaingirl |
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Posts: 178 (05/10/09 09:26:45) |
It's good to have projects to keep your mind off things and to relax. I wish I could sew but unfortuantely I am not gifted in that area. Well I guess you
can't have everything all at once though eh? Things will eventually work out with a dr. for you, just hold on, love!
But when youre blinded by your pain
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darkness on the edge of town |
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Posts: 21 (05/13/09 20:17:54) |
Hey Syndica, I also have night terrors....but they've gotten way less frequent since I got all my dosages adjusted. Congrats on iTunes
 I've got some
stuff on there as well. It's pretty cool. I'll be sure to check out your stuff. Rock on!
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Syndica |
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Posts: 63 (06/18/09 01:23:03) |
i usually sing with my band to get rid of all the fear and hate in my mind.
The night terrors are getting better since i have been on zyprexa. It's been helping me out a lot. I was in the hospital for a while but i am back now and i am glad to be home. I was so homesick. mountian girl our music stuff is online on ITunes type in Syndica. 
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nas |
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Posts: 42 (06/21/09 00:54:27) |
Hey babe - it's so good to hear you're feeling a bit better and you're finally getting some sleep!!!
And congrats for getting on iTunes! That's huge!!! You should be so proud of yourself!!!! xox |
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Syndica |
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Posts: 68 (06/25/09 01:53:36) |
thanks hone. but i have a problem my night terrors are back and they are really bad. I can't get to sleep now and i am so scared to sleep. The images are
driving me insane and it makes me wanna die because i just want some peace from these monsterious terrors that plague me.
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nas |
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Posts: 58 (06/25/09 02:21:56) |
I've been thinking about your hallucinations/visions and I was wondering if you've talked to a psychologist or psychiatrist about it? It sounds really
intense and quite different from any BPD symptoms. If it is something else - another co-occuring disorder - then I'm sure if it was diagnosed you would be
able to get some help - possibly in the way of drugs that would stop the visions.
They sound just awful and I really hope you can find something that will help soon! What ever you do don't give up. I'm sure there are meds especially for this kind of thing and I'm sure they can give you some relief - get to your Dr asap and don't skimp on the details - make sure they know how serious and debilitating they are so you get some kind of treatment asap! ((HUGS)) |
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Syndica |
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Posts: 72 (06/27/09 21:55:40) |
i talked with a thearpist and they trying to get me a doctor who can help me. but it's been taking so long to get one. I am just so tired... so tired fighting this illness. |
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kat sprat |
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Posts: 31 (10/03/09 02:55:26) |
hey syndica, i know what yu mean about being so tired about fighting this disorder, but as ive been told, it will get easier as we age, our age is the worst. I
hope your arms have healed a bit by now. You are not a fialure, if anything SI'ing is what gets you through a bad time instead of doing something worse, if
anything its the lesser evil, and try to keep it to a minimum, and your onto a winner. I hope that you have gotten help for your hilusinations. xx
give me the rope and let me tie my own path
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jEm23 |
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Posts: 7 (10/03/09 09:11:04) |
keep fighting girl! i know its tough, and finding a new pdoc can be a case of trial and error.
ive only just recently found a psychologist that i can relate to, and who understands me and is acually helping me. and trust me, ive been through so many psychiatrists, psychologist, therapists, councellors, you name it. and i finally found some one i like and can ppen up to. my GP is great, she is very understanding, and i usually go to her if i cut and need stitches. she doesnt give me a lecture or anything, she just stirches me up, and says she is worried and that i should bring it up in my next session with my psychologist. my main problem is finding a new psychiartist for management of my medication. i wanna get off seroquel coz it makes me gain weight and my doc wont change me onto something else without a psychiatrist advice on the matter. so now im going around everywhere trying to find a new psychiatrist. because like you, my old one dumped me and moved interstate. it costs money, and it takes time, but sweetie nothing is more important that your health, keep fighting and put yourself out there, i know there is someone out there who is perfect for you. stay strong let us know how your doing xo
"I know what
it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but
you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside"
"there is no TRY, only DO" 5'5" cw: 143lbs gw1: 130lbs gw2: 115lbs ugw: 99lbs |
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Syndica |
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Posts: 105 (10/04/09 02:49:08) |
hi,
I have a shrink now, and she's really nice and understanding which i need who is the same level as me and not looking down on me. I just did 3 months in the hospital with breaks to get to go home. I am on a two week pass and tonight i almost slashed my arms with a hunting knife. I just stopped before i put pressure on the blade. I just took a deep breath and i couldn't believe i stopped. I had an idea for my self rather then SIing and go get tattooed, i wouldn't touch my arms. I am getting two dragon sleeves. i wouldn't touch the beautiful work and it will feed my hunger for pain. I have a tattoo's already I am totally addicted to tattoos lol. I think it's ten times better to get a tattoo then getting Si'ed. it also covers scars too heh.
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mscat40 |
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Posts: 12 (10/09/09 04:36:49) |
Tattoos are great ! If it stops you from si'ing then it is a distraction as well. I have several tats . It started because I got tired of people staring at
my arms, they are scarred up badly with Burns, most people think i was in an accident, so when someone asks , I say yes. However, they are from severe SI which
Iam ashamed of. I have work done on one arm full of tats , and designs, their are flames around all these smaller tats. I also have paw prints on each of my
fingers , 2 on each finger, one on my thumb. THen I have 2 tats on both sides of my neck, plus a very nice detailed black rose of the left side of my calf.
You are right though, tattoo artists will not tat u if you have open wounds already, and if the wounds are not completely healed. It is very hard to tat over a scar, and it has to be at least healed for a year. That is how it is for my scars , because they are bad. I am glad you like the tats better then the Si. |
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Syndica |
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Posts: 112 (10/09/09 16:19:31) |
hi,
ur right about the scars, I figured getting tattoos so i don't si my arms, i am pretty well addicted to tattoos. cool tattoos mscat I know how u feel
when people stare my arm's because i si'ed but thanks for the info for time framing. Tats are so addictive aren't they? hehe my mom is gonna
freak out again when i get my dragon sleeves, and my back done with biomechical spine with broken wings.
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, Well with the doctor, i'll tell you what happened he said that
I feel like i won the lottery. Now we're going after napster,
I hope a cool producer from a record company hears it and gives us a contract
deal. I'v been also sewing I love it. It takes my mind off my fears and the drowning
My nex project is i am making some tee shirts that say
"girls rulez and boys droolz" lmao. or "Go Goth".
