I haven't been on here for a couple of months. I guess I hate the diagnosis and sometimes feel less hope the more I immerse myself in the "world of
BPD". I guess it is hard to have a diagnosis as it could start to define your life. So I try and get away from that and inevitably have tough times and
realise that yes, the BPD is still there and I have ended up back on here. Anyhow, I am posting because I tried lots of meds in the last year (Effexor,
Citalopram, Seroquel, Nortriptylene). None of them worked for me. At best, I was still just as weepy - none of them seemed to help my depression or low moods
at all. At worst, they made me vomit, feel agitated, or think more of suicide (like with Effexor). I also got headaches on some and weight gain. The seroquel
made me gain a lot of weight and made me really sleepy. It may have helped with my anger but the side effects weren't worth it. Anyhow, I have been coming
off the Effexor. I started on 150 mg and reduced to 75mg, and now I am down to 37.5mg. I have gone through the withdrawals and am not looking forward to the
last one but can cope. My doc and my husband and I decided that they weren't really working for me so I should come off them. I'm just wondering if
anyone else doesn't take meds? If I end up really bad I am going to try Geodon (as I haven;t really tried a mood stabiliser yet) but in the meantime I am
going to try going med free. Has anyone found that they don't do much in terms of helping the BPD symptoms / feelings?
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Coming off meds
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 trying |
Coming off meds |
Lead | |
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Posts: 20 (04/08/09 05:22:14) |
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Qelyn |
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Posts: 763 (04/08/09 12:12:37) |
I failed many many meds...... I went without for many years, I could control all but the most basic aspects of the BPD..... After I got married and started
having kids I settled down and managed to control the impulsive issues except with eating, I remained faithful to my husband, maintained a marriage etc..... I
would have outbursts of rage at the kids, but after a while I learned to control even that for the most part, I still had moments but they were fewer and
farther between because one day when I was raging at my oldest daughter I saw her eyes and the raw fear in them, I noticed that I couldn't breathe, and
that my heart rate was way up..... At that moment I stepped back and it hit me what my rage was doing to other people, suddenly the truth smacked me right in
the face and I knew I could not keep doing that.....
The worst part of it during that time was the depression, and the self hatred..... Plus I had body pains, and depression symptoms.... Eventually I ended up back on an antidepressant and a few years later back in the hospital..... The doctor switched me to cymbalta and tried abilify, the abilify failed because it caused a general anxiety type feeling..... So she switched me to geodon and that made all the difference..... So the combo of cymbalta and geodon turned my world around and have made it so I could start working on changing the traits not just managing the symptoms..... I guess what I am saying is that it is possible to control the more damaging symptoms of the disorder if you are serious about doing it..... It takes a lot of committment to "behave" in a way that is conducive to a healthier lifestyle..... But I have to admit that the meds make it easier to work on the deeper aspects of the illness at least in my case.... The meds mostly help me with the depression.... Although I wonder now with the perception changes if I would be less depressed..... I am not really willing to try that at this point because something is working, maybe a combination of the meds and thought modification..... I do hope you are able to find some peace without the meds, that would truly be the best way..... But sometimes it does take a while to find the right combo for you.... I do think it is important to have something that works on the dopamine levels, I think it causes a psychosis in thought if the levels are off... Q |
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trying |
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Posts: 23 (04/11/09 22:59:47) |
Thanks for your post Q
Its so good that you are doing so well. And wonderful that you were able to see what your rage was doing. I wish my parents had been able to see that but especially my father still doesn't realise what his rage did to our family. I am interested in trying Geodon and I am not sure if Cymbalta is available in New Zealand but I will look into it. At the moment though I just need to take a break from all of them. Once I have been off for a while, if I am still finding things hard I will try the geodon. I agree that making changes for the better takes a lot of commitment. I just find it so frustrating that I will get better and start to feel like I have some control over my life and then I will have a bad patch and things go right back to how they were and I feel so hopeless like I never make any progress. It is also frustrating because I am not in my teens or early twenties anymore and I always thought that by this point I would have all this stuff sorted out. It usually feels far worse though but maybe that means that I am actually working through it all now. Actually the best thing I have done for myself is we got a puppy a few days ago. She is so wonderful and loves to cuddle. Since she has arrived I have felt so much less lonely and she stops me from staying in bed all day on the days I'm not working. Also having another being to take care of stops me from focussing so much on myself which is good for my well being. I am a long way away from feeling like I have things in order enough to have kids though. It does really help to read your posts though. You are truly an inspiration. You should give yourself a big pat on the back for coming so far, especially when the odds seem to be stacked against those of us with bpd |
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Qelyn |
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Posts: 781 (04/12/09 15:37:33) |
I am happy to hear about your puppy, sometimes we need something to be responsible for to get us up and moving.... If I didn't have the kids I am not sure
I would keep moving forward all of the time.... They keep me busy....
You need to remember to pat yourself on the back for the place you are in too..... It takes a lot of self evaluation to begin seeing the patterns, and thats the first step in stopping them..... It all comes in steps, and I believe your time for change will come too..... One day you will look back and say "wow I am in such a better place than I used to be"..... It all comes in phases  .....
And we don't always give ourselves the credit we deserve, I typically only see all of the places I need to improve on rather than the ones I have mastered or done better.... So remember to give yourself the credit you deserve as well as taking your inventory..... Q |
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amIstillhere |
just off meds | ||
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Posts: 1 (05/06/09 14:52:44) |
i lost my insurance and went off my meds, I still have Xanax to tide me over since they prescribed me like 10 a day, a would be dead if I actually took that
dose. FRIDA, man....that is MY FAVORITE of her's as your avatar...seriously, we share a birthday too, she prolly had bpd too....when I went off Effexor I
felt brain zaps and the world spinning, it was very scary. I don't trust psych meds. Anythinhg that causes you to feel like you are being electrocuted in
your brain is not good. BPD is better helped through talking with others and support. PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF US, and DOCTORS PSYCHIATRISTS and PSYCHOLOGISTS are
just people. They are freaked out by us totally. Here HAVE A PILL, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. Bulls^^t.
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 83 (05/06/09 22:54:21) |
Trying,
I am not on meds for my BPD or any of my other mental illnesses..... I was on multiple medications since 2007 when I was first diagnosed Bipolar and OCD.. I got off of everything altogether last year (even after being diagnosed with BPD also), haven't taken a single thing since for my moods or depression. I don't know why but I was more suicidal while on the meds (attempted suicide by overdosing on my mood stabilizers and anti-depressants) and also was unbelievably anxious and depressed strictly because of my OCD and obsessing over the long-term effects those meds will have on my body/liver. So I'm med-free and of course have some terrible days but always pull through it and the next day I may feel okay. But my mood swings and anger are still there and of course not being medicated, it gets very very bad at times, especially my anger/screaming outbursts. But it was terrible when I was on the meds too and no different at all. My therapist helps me through everything. And everybody is different.... some can handle life without meds, others absolutely need them... you need to see how you feel off of them for a while but if it gets to a point where you need them, don't ignore that. Good luck! _______________________________________________________ " Told I talked too much, made too much noise... I took up a silent hobby -- bleeding. " -S. Marie |
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darkness on the edge of town |
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Posts: 3 (05/09/09 01:21:55) |
I LOVE my medication!!! Sometimes I get pissed off b/c it costs me $200 a month (that's w/insurance) but when I miss a day of meds I remember how awful my
life was before. Once I understood that BPD has been linked with chemical abnormalities in brain functioning, I understood why I needed my meds. When I got
emotionally upset I would feel it physically-like I was being stabbed. Excruciating. Here's a selection from an article explaining the differences in OUR
BPD brains and the regular brain:
"We confirmed that discrete parts of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex-the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex and the medial orbitofrontal cortex areas-were relatively less active in patients versus controls," Dr. Silbersweig says. "These areas are thought to be key to facilitating behavioral inhibition under emotional circumstances, so if they are underperforming that could contribute to the disinhibition one so often sees with borderline personality disorder." At the same time, the research team observed heightened levels of activation during the tests in other areas of the patients' brains, including the amygdala, a locus for emotions such as anger and fear, and some of the brain's other limbic regions, which are linked to emotional processing. "In the frontal region and the amygdala, the degree to which the brain aberrations occurred was closely correlated to the degree with which patients with borderline personality disorder had clinical difficulty controlling their behavior, or had difficulty with negative emotion, respectively," Dr. Silbersweig notes. The study sheds light not only on borderline personality disorder, but on the mechanisms healthy individuals rely on to curb their tempers in the face of strong emotion. http://www.educationupdate.com/archives/2008/FEB/html/med-scientists.html |
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gypsy |
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Posts: 903 (05/18/09 00:49:19) |
Dear Trying, Re Geodon... I tried extremely hard to control my behaviour before I was put on medication and it made me exhausted. I was reining in, biting my
tongue and managing the most extreme emotions and I did not have the energy for anything productive besides just existing and that was hard enough. I love my
meds (well its a love hate relationship) I should say Im a completely different person on medication I am centered calm thoughtful reasonable and sane and
amazingly non-suicidal which dogged me for over 20years. With the help of medication I have been able to step back and view my behaviour and impulses and
emotions and more rationally analyse them and change them. Before that it was simply a wild reaction in response to a situation which I knew instinctively was
over the top and would do my best to reign any response in which would make me implode. I thank Geodon for making my moods more normal and easier to manage and
for giving me the room to grow and learn and improve my thoughts and behaviour. It has helped me to gain more benefit from psychotherapy also by being more
"present" instead of just reacting to whatever crises was happening at the time. I went from continual crises to crises to actually living and
growing. From just surviving to evolving. I hate taking drugs and wont be able to have children because of it but theres no going back for me. Im actually
becoming a rounded person instead just a walking raw nerve and its a godsend
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in
having new eyes."
Marcel Proust |
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nas |
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Posts: 19 (05/18/09 04:00:08) |
Hi trying,
I too am from NZ - it's nice to hear from another kiwi
I know that I can't live without meds! It not only keeps my depression in check it calms the symptoms of my BPD (anger, huge mood swings, etc). Last year I changed to Effexor and it was terrible! Had the worst side effects. Coming off it was like hell but I'm so glad I have. I am currently on Paroxetine (Aropax) which is OK, am still quite depressed though so the next step will either be augmentation (adding a mood stabiliser to boost the effect of the Aropax) or adding another antidepressant, probably Nortriptylene. It's just so frustrating. It takes such a long time to find what works! Good luck to both of us in finding a med that helps!! |
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scrip50 |
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Posts: 338 (05/18/09 07:08:28) |
I love my meds! Yep they bought me enough time to pursue the therapy I needed (and continue to need). I am able to attain recovery for longer and longer
periods of time. I don't like the side effects but prefer them to the active symptoms of BPD. It does take time to get the right combination, patience
isn't easy when surrounded by chaos. It's worth the effort I hope you find the right balance for you.
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hmssws |
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Posts: 207 (06/19/09 09:13:58) |
Gypsy,
I have just come off Geodon against my Drs advice......I noticed shortly after I began taking it that my blood sugar became unmanageable with diet.....In fact, I had recently had Lasik surgery and that is now wasted as my vision changed for the worse, and I was having neuralgic pain in both feet due to poor circulation.....I liked the drugs effect on my moods, and was initially a bit irritable when I quit taking it, however that seems to have resolved itself......My blood sugar levels have fallen to well within normal ranges now and I have no more pain in my feet.....I am sleeping better and feeling a great deal of relief......I may need the drug again from time to time if I have major crisis periods, but I think that can be very limited in scope.....Apparently I am simply unfortunate to not tolerate it well....My Dr. assures me that there is zero connection between the drug and my blood sugar problems (This despite prominent warnings about just this on the companies own web site). I guess I'll be finding a new Dr.....She has lost all credibility with me..... Hank General Richard Garnett to General Lo Armistead just before they died leading their troops heroicly accross the open fields at Gettysburg in Pickett's
Charge:
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k899 |
cheaper meds-RxOutreach | ||
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Posts: 6 (09/08/09 01:08:03) |
I've been getting 3 months worth of 4 main meds for $150. Now, they even offer a 6-month supply. The problem with getting them with RxOutreach (and
similar programs) is that it can get delayed for stupid reasons, and then you're off meds. Last time, they said the Rx wasn't right-turns out if
was-all along. And you have to stay on top of it-leave plenty of time to get the Rx's to them, and 2-3 weeks to get the meds to you. They'll allow
refills, too, along as it's not a controlled substance. No insurance is required. I don't know what I'd do without this place. I used to get a
lot of free samples (when I had a doctor that was on insurance), but national health services don't get all those free samples near as much. Lee
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k899 |
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Posts: 7 (09/08/09 01:16:24) |
I think it's natural to have love-hate relationship with your meds. I pay bills better when I'm on them, concentrate better. I think of it like allergy
meds-could I live without them? Yes, but I'd be miserable, no quality of life. I like doctors who at least let me try and get it off them from time to
time. I may not ever make it, but at least I feel better if I try to do it. I tell select people they just bring me up to the same level as "normal"
people. It's almost funny-you know you need medication if even your family wants you on them. At first, they weren't thrilled about it-but once they
saw me off them-they want me on them. I have a lot of social anxiety issues.
Lee |
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jEm23 |
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Posts: 11 (10/06/09 12:23:46) |
i recently came off clonazepam, and it was absoloutly horrible!
after about 3 days my whole body started twitching every now and then. after a while it got so bad, like after another 2 days, it was so bad that every muscle in my body was aching like hell, and i was twitching so much it was practicaly convulsions. and i was also extremily thirsty, so id skull heaps of water, only to throw it all up again after about 5 mins. then idd skull again, then throw up, and so it keeps going on like that. i was in extreme pain, vomiting and convulsing, at this point mum took me to the emergency department. they took me straight in, didnt have to wait at all. they pupmed me full of seizure medication and muscle relaxants, morphine for the pain, and something to stop me vommiting. and some drips because my electrolytes were way out from all the vommiting. i ended up staying in hospital for 2 days. it was one of the worst experiences in my life.
"I know what
it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but
you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside"
"there is no TRY, only DO" 5'5" cw: 143lbs gw1: 130lbs gw2: 115lbs ugw: 99lbs |
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