Hi anyone,
My wife calls me at work every day to tell me she's bored. we have a toddler she stays home with, but she wants to get a job. she won't think of new
ideas of what to do, and she won't take any of my suggestions. so today she ends up going to the library with our son and practically acts mad at me that
that's all there is to do, again!
we just found out she most likely has BPD and she just started treatment. we know it may be a long treatment, but i'm running out of patience for the time
being. (obviously she is too.) her quick and easy solution is to move...not so easy when you have an upside down mortgage and a lot of debt. i feel like she
imagines that moving is the only thing that will really help, and she probably interprets my inability to change our situation immediately (see last sentence),
as me not caring, and not doing what I can to help her.
So what do i do? When she calls when i'm working (which is fine with me), I'm happy to talk to her, but then she has nothing to say except to complain.
She doesn't want to make new friends (like other young mothers), and although she wants a job, she'll pursue it for a day, then give up b/c she
doesn't feel like working on that at the moment. And any hobbies she says she's interested in she never really gets into. She just got a bunch of
painting equipment, and then once our son goes down for a long afternoon nap, she'll just call me and complain about being bored and sad. I obviously
realize this probably sounds very familiar to people with and families dealing with BPD...so I'm hoping someone has a suggestion.
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Bored Wife!!!
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 soup |
Bored Wife!!! |
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Posts: 1 (03/06/09 11:02:06) |
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Qelyn |
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Posts: 680 (03/06/09 12:40:09) |
Hi Soup,
Welcome to the forum.... Send her this way, its a pretty good place for people with BPD to get in touch with others who understand what they are dealing with, it is hard for people with BPD to connect with their peers for various reasons..... Unfortunately until she progresses in therapy and is functioning she will rely on you for her outside needs..... Unfortunately we are notorious for not being able to self soothe, or be aware of our own likes and dislikes to keep us occupied..... We often lose interest in things quickly..... I do hope she is in therapy, and the 2 of you are looking into couples counseling, it was very helpful for both of us.... I am a mother of 3 kids, my youngest is 9 years old and all of my kids are in school all day so I am alone at home throughout the day..... It has taken me time to find things to occupy myself away from my husband, this board helps because I can stay in touch with people without the difficulty of doing it in person which I found difficult for me..... Maybe try introducing her to cooking and finding new recipe's, that was helpful to me for a long time..... I have lost that particular interest but it kept me occupied for a long time..... If you guys are religious at all maybe a church group of some kind would be helpful.... Television has been my best friend for many years, often times I will leave it on just to have the noise so I don't feel alone and my mind doesn't work overtime and drive me nuts..... I also have multiple pets I take care of in the day too..... They help me not to feel all alone in the house..... My husband and I also started a coed soccer team to do together at night, that helped me feel like I had something to look forward to and it helps get me through the day..... Plus my kids have soccer too so my weeknights are packed and now I relish the downtime during the day.... The bad news is you cannot fix this for her, she has to get to a point where she can self occupy and feel compelled to reach out to find what she is interested in..... She will have to take responsibility for this..... Although it might help for her to look into DBT therapy which can help you learn how to cope with things on your own..... Make sure you are getting some support with this thing too..... BPD is a family issue.... Q |
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soup |
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Posts: 2 (03/06/09 12:59:23) |
Thanks Q,
She does like cooking and baking. She actually likes a lot of things, but then just doesn't feel like doing them because she'll still be bored and she feels it's pointless. But I will recommend that to her. Even if it's just making brownies and letting our son help. The therapy is just getting started so we'll see how it goes. They have a group that she'll probably start attending. Actually, what we've been talking a lot about lately is, should she just (try to) force herself to stay busy? Like, even if she doesn't feel like cooking, for example, should she just do it, and then eventually will she start seeing that as enjoyable time, even though at the beginning, it may just feel like a forced diversion? S |
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Qelyn |
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Posts: 681 (03/06/09 14:06:50) |
I bounced this off of my husband and he mentioned something that didn't even occur to me but makes sense..... One of the symptoms of depression is losing
interest in things you used to enjoy.... Maybe she is a little depressed.... Medication will help with that..... Q
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AutumnSkies |
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Posts: 5 (04/16/09 16:42:16) |
Well chronic boredom can come with BPD, I know, it happens to me and I can be a schmutz about it too. I hate it.
And as someone said, depression can come in as well and make it hard for you to actually pull through once you find something you know you'll really like to do! Perhaps she is frusterated, and when she finds something she likes, lacks confidence. That has happened to me. I know it can be very difficult right now but if you approach this calmly, the chances of her being calm are way increased. Especially if this BPD thing is new to her, she is probobly very frusterated and lost with herself. If you can, remind her she is good. And that she can do good. Perhaps she gets lonely. You said she calls you at work? I used to do the same thing with my old boyfriend. I would call him and txt him all the time. But I would have difficulty making friends, and then would give up on it. Sometimes though, its easier to protect your sense of pride and say you dont want to make friends then to admit you dont think you have the ability. I guess what Im trying to say is, she sounds like she may be hurting. And in my experience, BPD makes it hard to communicate that. So as frusterating as it is to feel like your constantly hitting a wall all the time, she seems to trust you a lot. Some things to consider |
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