I'll be completely honest, I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but I show all the signs. Just for the record, I'm
not the kind of person that reads about a disorder or disease and then claim that I have it. I realized that something was wrong with me a long time ago. I
took a psychology course to see if I could find out more about.. my problem. Finally after a lot of studying and researching, I came across BPD. I just have
not gotten up the courage to get help yet. The reason I began writing this is because of what my boyfriend goes through with me. I can honestly say that this
kid is a saint. I am completely aware that I am young and all this "teenage love" comes and goes, but I can honestly tell you this is different.
I've experienced the teenage heart break and deep relationships that really were not what they seemed, I have even been through horrible, abusive, life
shattering relationships that no one should ever have to experience. My boyfriend has dealt with not only my emotional problems, but my problems I go through
at home which are far from fit for any human. Many people in my life have left running when they find out the truth, what I go through. My boyfriend is the
only one who saw me for who I really am. He is the only one who didn't judge me from my background, and he has seen who I really am when the BPD
doesn't begin to take over. Lately, I have had emotional outbursts, insane moments when my mind comes up with ideas that many people would never imagine, I
have treated him like he means nothing to me when he is my life, and I have made not only myself miserable but possibly him as well. Somehow he always manages
to keep a smile on his face and be right there for me. He is the only person I feel completely comfortable talking to and he is always willing to listen and
comfort me. I thought I would get better, but I've only gotten severely worse. I also feel like I'm ruining the only good thing in my life right now.
He claims he'll never leave because he loves me and he knows that this thing is not who I really am. I am so afraid of losing him. I need to find a way to
make myself better, to make our relationship better. I don't know what to do anymore though. I really do try like you wouldn't believe but I just
can't stay happy or make anyone else happy anymore. I need to show him how much he means to me before I lose him.
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i feel horrible that i put him through what i do..
| Author | Comment | ||
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 bamarie |
i feel horrible that i put him through what i do.. |
Lead | |
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Posts: 1 (01/26/09 21:21:39) |
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Kandie |
Been there | ||
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Posts: 1 (05/21/09 20:21:31) |
I completely understand what you are saying. I have been married for 11yrs to my husband,
who has put up with a lot. I have pushed at him, went mad, disapeared, and cheated on him and yet he is still here. I never ment to do those things and feel
completely rotten for them. When I do some of the weird things and I "sometimes act crazy, I don't always remember why I did it. I was just
diagnosed with BPD this year, but I have been dealing with this since I was 14. My husband was the first man that did not back down to my insanity at times.
He tells me because they are short and for the most part when I'm stable, I'm injoyable to be around. There are more good times than there are crazy
ones. You know he is good for you when he can deal with your "crazy" moments. Give him credit, and let him educate himself more on BPD so he might
better understand you and be prepared.
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heavy heart |
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Posts: 90 (05/21/09 20:56:25) |
Hello,
I understand where you are coming from, I am married and there are a lot of days where I put my husband through hell..but he is "my lifeline" as I call him, my rock, and I could not live without him....I push him away with my mood swings and fits, and then cling to him the next minute. You say that you want to show your boyfriend how much he means to you before you lose him but maybe what you need to do is get yourself some therapy; some help, and show him you are trying to get better and help your relationship. I do agree with Kandie in her saying you should give your boyfriend some credit, he seems like a good guy.......he's a good guy for not only "sticking around" but for comforting you and being there for you as you said he always is.........the best you can do for him now is to get yourself help..before you do lose him!! THAT in itself will show him you are serious about him and your relationship. Also agree with maybe he can educate himself a little on BPD so he understands better! Good luck. _______________________________________________________ " Told I talked too much, made too much noise... I took up a silent hobby -- bleeding. " -S. Marie |
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