I have BPD.. Should I have kids? - For Parents (BPD) - For Parents - Borderline Personality Today Forum - Message Board - Yuku

RSS
Email

0 Kudo

<< Previous Topic Next Topic >>

I have BPD.. Should I have kids?

Author	Comment
Vanilla Dragonfly	I have BPD.. Should I have kids?	Lead	[-]
Posts: 3 (08/13/08 04:18:15) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Tags : bpd, borderline personality disorder, kids, parenting, pregnancy, hormones, children, babies, conceive I'm 25 and the clock is ticking. If I have kids I want them before 30. Now with having BPD I was wondering what I might endure with going through with having kids... both with handling pregnancy, hormonal changes, and after the child is born. What if I crash again? What will I say when my kids asks about the obviously self inflicted scars all over my body? What troubles may I come across and how can I work through them. Please anyone with BPD fill me in on having kids with BPD from the start. It will help me make my healthiest decision to have them or not.
lou		#1	[-]
Posts: 2 (08/16/08 05:47:18) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Well I have a 2 and a half year old girl who I had when I was 19, I consider myself to be a great Mum despite the BPD. Im really low today but I will tell you how I went with pregnancy, labour, newborn etc when I post in a couple of days. xoxoxoxoxo
Qelyn		#2	[-]
Posts: 256 (08/16/08 13:49:16) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I have BPD and kids..... A 15 year old girl, 13 year old girl, and 8 year old son..... It has not been easy, but they are great kids.... My 15 year old daughter is a straight A student taking college courses in High School, she plays select soccer and has an active social life..... My 13 year old daughter is an animal lover, highly vocal about social injustice and has many friends, she also plays soccer..... My 8 year old son excels in school, likes to play video games, plays soccer, and is an all around normal 8 year old boy..... I came from a terrible background and have dealt with BPD since I was a preteen..... I married at 18, and had my first child at 19..... I have been in and out of hospitals, I have self harmed, etc etc..... My husband works, I stay home full time...... I think as a parent with BPD the biggest and most rewarding challenge has been raising my kids with normalcy.... But I also think they forced me to create that normalcy and recognize that there are things out there greater than myself, it took that self centered part of BPD and forced me to consider others more closely...... My kids have grown up faster in some ways because of my BPD and also because of our choice to move away from our home State, we have had to do it all on our own..... But they have been able to stay kids longer than other kids in a lot of ways because of how I grew up...... I am very careful about age appropriate media, and information, I am also hypervigilant about predators so I seldom let my kids be with other people alone...... The truth is my kids are the best thing I have ever done, they saved my life and have forced me to change...... Kids are game changing, if you are an aware parent and make life about your kids best interest it can change you in fabulous ways...... Now my struggle is to discover who I am so I am not distraught when they leave us..... BPD doesn't have to be a life sentence, it can be an aspect of you that you have to manage..... However BPD can ruin a child too, I think both of my parents exhibited tendencies and it almost destroyed me as a child...... My parents were drug and alcohol users who put their needs before mine, it put me into dangerous situations and forced me to raise myself..... My dads mental illness eventually killed him, my mom got help but still has struggles which make it difficult for me to remain in close contact with her..... My brother struggles, my sister is very bright and very sweet but she struggles too..... So it is a question you have to ask yourself.... Are you strong enough to make the world about someone else? Do you have it in yourself to change in order to be a positive influence in your childs life? Are you setting yourself up to fail if you attempt parenthood? No parent is ever perfect and we all bring baggage into our relationships so we need to remember that we are human and make mistakes..... But at the end of the day you will have to ask yourself if you are capable of making mistakes and learning from them to better your and someone elses life...... It's certainly a good thing you are questioning whether or not you should before just jumping in and doing it...... I can attest to the fact that it can be done, but its a rocky road with a lot of pitfalls..... And it takes a strong person to be able to change who you are in order to make someone elses life better.... I have to admit my own problems regarding raising kids...... About 4 years ago I was really mad at my then 11 year old daughter and I started to rage, I was in a full on rage, I had her cornered against a door and I was screaming in her face, my heart was pounding, my face red, my hands balled into fists...... Suddenly I saw her eyes dilate as her mind was trying to deal with her fear of me at that moment, I remembered all at once how it felt when my step father would rage at me, I stepped into her shoes and saw myself at that moment exactly as I was, out of control, raging, frustrated and dangerous...... I lost my breath as if I had been punched in the gut, stepped back and left the situation....... For the last 4 years I have worked to contain that rage, to make sure I leave before I get like that, I have apologized for my behavior but mostly I have worked hard to change, I felt like the biggest heel in the world at that moment..... I could have continued very easily, I could have remained that rageful person who hurts other people because I wanted some semblance of control..... But I knew it was wrong and thats what you have to do as a parent..... You have to be able to recognize that you are wrong and make it right again...... My daughter has mentioned since then that she has noticed a significant change in me, that she feels much safer around me, and comfortable talking to me...... But if I had not changed that part of my BPD with her I would have lost her already, she would be doing things that she would never share with me and I would lose, she would lose...... Parenting is about losing the excuses and the blame..... My daughter did something that was probably a mistake that day, and I probably had a right to be miffed at her, but I had no right to abuse her, I am the parent and I am responsible always to be the adult..... I am just lucky that on that day I recognized that rage for what it was and accepted reponsibility for my actions or she could have turned out much differently...... So I guess what I am trying to say in my long winded way, is that you have to do a lot of soul searching to answer that question for yourself.... Its not about whether or not to have kids because you have BPD but whether or not to have kids in your current state of coping ability, are you healthy enough to have kids? Kids are a lifelong commitment, 18 years is long enough but the truth is they are a lifelong relationship commitment..... Are you in a place where you can feasibly leave your own needs at the door and raise someone else in a healthy manner? In all honesty I should have answered that question no at the time I had my first child..... But my commitment to all of my kids changed a lot for me...... Q
sixzilliondots		#3	[-]
Posts: 1 (10/31/08 15:34:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	In short...NO. But it depends... However if you are and have been in recovery for awhile now it might be an option. Look at yourself, are you doing drugs? drinking? cutting, burning/self mutilation of any sort regularly? do you still rage a lot? What are your worse symptoms and are they still controlling your life? Are you suicidal at all? If BPD is still controlling your life than by all means, bringing a child into this world would be a horrible, horrible idea. One of the biggest committments you have to make if you do have a child is that suicide is no longer an option, no matter how bad you are feeling or how terrible you think you are doing as a mother, killing yourself has to be off the table the moment that pregnancy test is positive and every day thereafter. But if you are not doing anything harmful to yourself, you are treating the people in your life the way they need to be treated most of the time and you are committed to raising a child, which does take a lot of work then what makes you different from the rest of people out there? I am 21 and I have 2 boys. It is extremly tough I have to say but do I regret it? Sometimes. Most days when I am doing fine, absolutely not, I'm a good mom, but the days that I can barely get myself out of bed than I wonder what the heck I was thinking bringing two little boys into this world when I can't even take care of myself. What I suggest BEFORE you get pregnant is reading all the books you can get your hands on that are directed at CHILDREN of parents with BPD. Reading the stories of what it's like growing up with BPD parents can be a real eye-opener because it shows you the behaviors typical of parents like us and the great harm it could cause our kids but the best part is that by preparing by reading them helps us see what to avoid BEFORE we hurt our kids, before we damage them for life. No one is perfect but there are certian things people with BPD do that can really screw their kids up, like raging at them, especially at a young age can be very detrimental to them, but by seeing how that affected other kids we can see where our weaknesses are and avoid doing those things to them. To be completely honest though it is still a struggle. Even if you know what your weaknesses are, somedays it's still very difficult or impossible to do right all the time but IF you bpd is under contro and it's infrequent and you handle it maturely then I really feel parents with BPD don't necessarily have to be any worse than any other parent out there and in fact, at least in my case I think that it has made me a better parent than a lot of other's out there because I am so aware of what effect my behavior could have on my kids so I constantly am striving to do better.
mountaingirl		#4	[-]
Posts: 36 (11/22/08 15:22:50) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hey Vanilla Dragonfly! I think children can be a huge blessing but that it can be a very scary experience as well. I don't have children yet either but I plan on having children eventually. Hopefully I will get to a point where I will feel safe enough to do so. I think if you as a BPD plan to have kids you absolutely have to have support. You have to think about things like you crashing because the reality is that it happens so easily for us. What is your partner like? Is he one of those people that will be able to pick up the slack once in a while when you just can't? What is your patterns of self-harm? How will you make sure that it does not affect your child? Will you have a network of friends and family that can be a haven of safety for your child when you can't provide that for him/her? How will you deal with your bundle of joy almost always taking the attention away from you? BPD or not all people have weaknesses and strenghts. I don't think the fact that you have BPD alone determines what kind of parent you will be. I have met "normal" people who are terrible parents! I am new to this BPD thing but Bipolar feels simmilar to me and I have met many Bipolar individuals who are excellant parents. My one grandmother is Bipolar and my other is normal. If I had to choose one of them to be my parent instead I would choose my grandmother with Bipolar Disorder any day of the week. Sometimes it was scary to see her go through her motions but she learned how to self-soothe before I met her and it grounded her a lot. I always felt safe in her house and when I was around her. That being said she had an extremely supportive partner that helped a lot and knew what do to when she was having an off day. Without him, she probably wouldn't have done so well. My grandfather is an absolute saint. My take on why I think I will be able to have kids are: My husband will be a wonderful father. Even if we get divorced, he will support me with the kids(although chances are he will fight me for custody he would still allow me to be an active part in their lives. I know this because we have talked about it a lot because like you I am scared to death too). My parents would be there for me 100% when I need it. They are both wonderfull with kids and would be able to provide the child with a safe enviroment when I cannot. I have a few close friends who would be there for me 100% too. My friends are not the kind of people who just lets injustice happen and they would step in if they see something is wrong, whether I asked for their help or whether I am kicking and screaming because I feel that I can still handle it myself. Again, I have had converstations with them and they were very clear that although they love me they will choose my child's welfare over my own needs and that they will be continuously looking out for my child. Not because they don't think I can do it, in fact they are all extremely supportive when I talk about kids and they assure me that I will be a wondeful mother whenever I think that I shouldn't have kids because I will be horrible at it, but because they love me and want to support me. My patterns of self harming are something that I am a little bit scared of, but I see "normal" people harming themselves in different ways everyday and I figure I have somewhat of an advantage because I know my weaknesses. My husband is also aware of them and helps me out whenever I am too weak. What do you tell your children about the scars? Depends on how old they are. You prepare them differently. It's like the where do babies come from question. When your 3 year old asks you, you probably don't want to get into sperm and egg kind of explanations. That's when you give them the "when a daddy loves a mommy very very much...." kind of answer and then as they grow older and become more ready for the answer you give them the age appropriate response. Your three year old probably shouldn't know that you burn or cut yourself. Your answer would depend on whether you still self harm or not too, and on your personality. Different people answer the where do babies come from question differently too. Don't think of having kids before 30 as the only way you can have them. If you don't feel ready now, you can always adopt later or be a foster home(although I would recommend that you only do that if you feel VERY comfortable with he idea of having problem kids and truly want to help them). I would recommend you to talk to your partner and family and friends about it and see how they feel about it and how they would be able to support you. Just my two cents. Please bear in mind that although I am trying to give you the best advice I don't have kids yet I am more or less exactly where you are. But when youre blinded by your pain Cant see you way safe through the rain Thought of a still resilient voice says love is very near
yoyogirl1957		#5	[-]
Posts: 93 (11/30/08 02:25:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	It all has been said so eloquently. The only thing I would add is to be prepared for the day when your child is teenager or adult and he/she comes to you and tells you how your BPD has hurt him/her and you saying your sorry doesn't take away the damage you've done. When children are growing up they usually cannot fully process their relationship with their parents until they are young adults. Even though my son is doing well now succeding in his life's goals especiallly considering what my BPD put him through, there is a distance between him and me because of the losses he experienced as a child. When I offerred to try to make it up now, he told me that it is too late - that I could only have done what was needed during his childhood. That leaves me with a sorrow. A grief that my BPD hurt my child and that no action in the present can undo the past. If you feel that your child's joys will outweigh his/her pain and that you are strong enough to admit failings to your teenage and adult child, then choosing to bring another human being into world is a good choice. If I had to do it all over again knowing now that my son would come to me as an adult and tell me how I hurt him in permanent ways, would I allow myself to become pregnant 19 years ago? Probably not. But back then I was selfish. I was lonely and thought a cute cuddly precious baby would make me happy..that we'd be happy mommy and baby forever. I didn't have the wisdom I have now, so all I can do now have to hope that the good I did was good enough to outweigh the damage I did.
goodgirl	early diagnosis may help	#6	[-]
Posts: 1 (01/07/09 00:33:19) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	yoyogirl....you said it. i am almost 45, my 21 yr old son says everything was ok, but his life now shows otherwise...drug addiction/fear of relationships...to name a couple problems. Now i live with a world of guilt for the way i was as a mom. i had never heard of the diagnosis of BPD..and did not understand why the rages and strange behaviour. When i read the profile of a person with BPD just 8 months ago...i couldn't believe my eyes. I was reading about my life. That was a relief, to have explaination. My husband also completey floored when i showed him. Yes we got through, and yes having my two children is what kept me alive, and staying put in my marriage, but by no means was it all "wonderful" sweet and rosey. I always LOVED my children so much, but then "she" would emerge.... "she" being that unreasonable side of me that always felt threatened unloved and needed to over-validate....mostly with rage. I went to doctors/psychiatrists and even ministers...thinking there was a "demon" or something. It is good that you have diagnosis and support. Perhaps if I had this in the early stages...there would have been some help for myself and my children. So, I would have to say...if you feel stabilized with your meds and have a good support system of people who understand your illness, are positive and who YOU know and trust that they love you...(for the most part as total trust seems virtually impossible for the BPD) ....then there would be more hope for positive outcomes for your children to be. Truly............the most important people here are your children.
dunamez.openbpd		#7	[-]
Posts: 3 (07/15/09 15:52:24) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You should have children if they are what you want regardless of bpd! I have two sons aged 5 and 6, I have raised them on my own since their Dad left when the youngest was 6 months old. There have been hard times but the goodtimes outweigh them massively! Plenty of "normal" people make awful parents and bad choices, if you aware of yourself enough to know you have bpd then you are already ahead of the game in many respects cz if the going got tough you would be able to find help which is somehing "normal" people have a huge problem with so they ignore prolems which make them worse parents in the long run! There ain't no rule book, Love is what children need most and the amount you love your kids gives them the best foundation for stability and you will find yourselve building a solid life together which makes you really close!
heavy heart		#8	[-]
Posts: 187 (07/15/09 17:54:20) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Although I am very young yet (only recently married), you don't know how many times I've thought about whether I should ever have a child or not. (My dream has always been to just have one baby.) Some days I think since it is my biggest dream in life, that having a child in the future will be great. But there's a bigger part of me that feels I couldn't do it due to my BPD.....also due to everything!: My Asperger's, Bipolar, and OCD. Those other illnesses wouldn't really affect how I raise my child I don't think, but I think about my child inheriting all of them! (Especially since my husband is also Bipolar.) I am supposed to have a very difficult time conceiving and/or keeping it...which crushes me obviously because like I said, it is my biggest dream ever in life...but some days I feel maybe that's best. But as far as raising them properly or not, as dunamez had said, even a lot of "normal" people become awful parents! I do have mixed feelings about it due to my own contemplations of whether to ever be a mother or not one day, but I will tell you that you need to look at yourself right now and see where you are with your BPD. If it is still controlling you and you're not in a good place, bringing a child into your life can a) make things worse for you by forcing you to take yourself off of getting yourself better and b) could make you raise the child while subconsciously getting him/her stuck in all of your emotions and not raise it as well as you could have. But I also agree with dunamez that children need love above everything. Obviously you'd like to have that child so you can give it your love, raise it, guide it, share a life with the person you love that both of you created. Love is the reason for it. I'm sorry my thoughts are scattered due to my mixed feelings about this (among many other things!), I was contemplating whether to reply to this or not.....Just wanted to express my frequent thoughts on whether or not to have a baby myself one day. But mostly I wanted to tell you, my therapist had told me even, when I discussed having a baby one day...She said about how women tend to 'calm down' in their 30's. Meaning, the early 30's even may be a good time to try and have a baby for any woman really...especially ones with mental illness and hormonal imbalances, occasional or frequent emotional breakdowns, etc. And ESPECIALLY borderlines who go into 'rages'...that will not be a healthy environment for a child at all!!!! Do you still 'rage'? More and more women are having babies in their 30's today. So I'm saying, that if maybe you focus on getting better now (if needed), one day your hormones/mental state may be smoothed out enough where you can have a baby and give it the life/care it needs and deserves. I know you said 'your clock is ticking,' but you are still very young...maybe once you reach a certain age, more around your 30's, especially if you work on yourself now if that's needed, your mental state will be able to take the stress of a child better. Like I said, you need to look within yourself and see where you are right now with your BPD, because if you furthur need to improve on certain symptoms of it, certain behaviors, certain emotions, and you have a child anyway, a lot of damage can be done. Love is what a child needs above all (it's what everyone needs above all), but stable parents are crucial. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. I do believe that babies are truly precious and the best gift in the world.

<< Previous Topic Next Topic >>

Quick Reply