I am just finishing Rachel Reiland's bpd recovery memoir, "Get me out of Here," and have been in a constant state of shock and recognition in light of my own parallel experiences. Through this book, I have identified several insightful details about myself that, otherwise, would never have been uncovered:
- I emasculated myself for most of my life from childhood to adulthood because I have/had no respect for my mother. "Women are weak, dishonest, and not to be trusted." This manifested itself in many ways, including hiding/shame about my femininity (I HATED my breasts--did everything I could to hide them until about 5 years ago when I was in a relationship where my sexuality was glorified, and I was placed on a physical pedestal, made to believe that my worth was the sum of my "parts").
- My formative years consisted of undiagnosed social anxiety disorder. Left untreated, all of the memories of my childhood consist of an aching loneliness, fear, and isolation. I NEVER ONCE ate in the cafeteria, had recess, or played with other children with the exception of my very odd best friend in elementary school. My trust issues with my mother (who was having an affair with a man that sexually abused both myself and my sister, and did not protect us) led to trust issues with EVERYONE. I had, and still have, no true friends. My teachers never once mentioned to my parents that I ate every single day alone in the classroom, and didn't talk to anyone. Didn't develop the ability to need or become vulnerable--eyes in the back of my head 24/7. Must protect sister and self.
- I attract and am attracted to harmful, abusive cheaters (I myself can become abusive when pushed, blocked from moving, and/or triggered) because it is all I know. And when the white anger results from splitting, I find myself WANTING to be hit. Only so I can overpower--and hurt the other person, who has at said point, become my mother.
- Abandonment issues from my father: He worked ALL the time, out of town, long commutes and weekend trips. I glorified him--He Who Could Love My Mother.
- Sexuality manifested itself early (due to abuse) and masturbation was encouraged by my mother as "normal" (but fantasies were far from it) and my sexual obsessions continue today. Worth=sexual prowess. (abuse)
- I am stuck in the Id phase. Center of attention (THEATRE DEGREE) positive or negative, because I was robbed of my childhood and ability to form lasting, meaningful relationships.
So, that's just a few of the things I've uncovered about myself in reading this book. I would be interested in knowing what others think...or have
gleaned from having read it.
Thanks guys, and sorry for the formality and length of this post.
--me
